Hating Someone You Love

So, I was hanging out with my model friends again today. The day went great although I'm kinda fucking up my diet. Not really, I mean I'm not overdoing it but I'm not following the program exactly either. So anyway, today was great because I made some more good business contacts and had fun with the girls. I spoke to my "boyfriend" -- no, he didn't call me, I called him but it was for something related to business. He was totally flirting me, and talking like nothing happened. But even though I let him know I was angry with him, he was totally laughing and sounded really happy to talk to me.

So we went out to a club tonight (yet another business contact) and we had a great time. Since I talked to my boyfriend today and it was like things were getting back to normal, I just really wanted to talk to him when we got back to the hotel. Okay, so it was 2am but he alwasys calls me and I've called him before but it's never been a problem. So when he asked where I am I said I'm "out" since I'm technically staying at the hotel with my model friends. And then he got all pissy and said it was too late and that instead of slumming around outside I should have called him at a "more reasonable" time and that he was watching tv and was too tired to talk to me. Of course this totally pissed me off and I told him to stop treating me like I was somebody he met yesterday or that I'm just a business contact or something. Anyway, as you can imagine that this conversation went on like this for a while and ended up with me crying and sending him a shitty message. I'm totally pissed.

Anyway, I can't believe it but the more this happens the more I feel motivated to also lose weight and start my modelling and become really successful in work too, just to make him see me and feel like shit for treating me like this. Is there such a thing as self-improvement for revenge? There should be, I think. This is a new concept we should explore. I want to be better for me (and yes, I do believe that appearnaces on the outside make you a better person because they reflect hard work and a desire for success) and to be better just to make him or anybody else who ever was able to make me feel bad about myself feel like a total moron. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, I do. But I want to be kind of indimidating in my success and self-confidence too. I want to make him think twice about being like this with me. Maybe it won't make any difference, but at least it's motivation for me now.