Hating Someone You Love

So, I was hanging out with my model friends again today. The day went great although I'm kinda fucking up my diet. Not really, I mean I'm not overdoing it but I'm not following the program exactly either. So anyway, today was great because I made some more good business contacts and had fun with the girls. I spoke to my "boyfriend" -- no, he didn't call me, I called him but it was for something related to business. He was totally flirting me, and talking like nothing happened. But even though I let him know I was angry with him, he was totally laughing and sounded really happy to talk to me.

So we went out to a club tonight (yet another business contact) and we had a great time. Since I talked to my boyfriend today and it was like things were getting back to normal, I just really wanted to talk to him when we got back to the hotel. Okay, so it was 2am but he alwasys calls me and I've called him before but it's never been a problem. So when he asked where I am I said I'm "out" since I'm technically staying at the hotel with my model friends. And then he got all pissy and said it was too late and that instead of slumming around outside I should have called him at a "more reasonable" time and that he was watching tv and was too tired to talk to me. Of course this totally pissed me off and I told him to stop treating me like I was somebody he met yesterday or that I'm just a business contact or something. Anyway, as you can imagine that this conversation went on like this for a while and ended up with me crying and sending him a shitty message. I'm totally pissed.

Anyway, I can't believe it but the more this happens the more I feel motivated to also lose weight and start my modelling and become really successful in work too, just to make him see me and feel like shit for treating me like this. Is there such a thing as self-improvement for revenge? There should be, I think. This is a new concept we should explore. I want to be better for me (and yes, I do believe that appearnaces on the outside make you a better person because they reflect hard work and a desire for success) and to be better just to make him or anybody else who ever was able to make me feel bad about myself feel like a total moron. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, I do. But I want to be kind of indimidating in my success and self-confidence too. I want to make him think twice about being like this with me. Maybe it won't make any difference, but at least it's motivation for me now.

Is My Boyfriend Breaking Up With Me?

So I forgot to tell you all, it's really been a blessing that my friend is visiting this week, because after the first night she and I hung out, I spoke to my boyfriend. He's an entertainment reporter (we met when he came to a press-conference of mine) and he's also my current business partner. So the conversation wasn't good. He's been having a rough time lately, business is slow and his mom's been sick so he's had to stay at home a lot to take care of her. We hadn't seen each other for almost three weeks when we had this conversation and in that time it was like I was always the one calling him. Three weeks is really a long time for us because we're normally together all the time, since we work together too and he stays some night with me.

He's really sweet and we don't have any problems fighting or anything, we always seem to have a good time when we're together. He's been with me through my really bad times too, and it was hard when I left for 7 months because I broke up with him during that time just because of my own stuff in my head. But we got back together when I came back, he told me he still wanted to be with me.

Anyway, everything was fine except that we couldn't see eachother and I know he's always at home because he's always on msn. He's been really depressed and I called him again but it's like when I call he doesn't really talk and I feel like I'm annoying him or something. So I told him this, and that's I'm upset because even when I feel bad and I don't want to talk to anyone I still want to talk to him because hearing his voice makes me feel better and that's how he should feel about me too. But he told me that he really doesn't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, and the "it's not me, it's him". He says that he's not breaking up with me, but that he just needs "some time". What the fuck does that mean?! To me, taking a break is the first step to breaking up. But he says he waited for me for 7 months and now I can wait for him a little (guilt trip).

The worst part about having problems with myself is that when shit like this happens, my self confidence gets even more fucked than normal. I think to myself "If I was thinner and more beautiful now he would love me more." Okay, I know how many people are thinking that's pathetic, and maybe it is, but it's just the way I am. I'm not saying he's perfect, but it's him who wants to "take some time" away from me. But for some reason, yeah I cried a lot, it was still motivation for me. Like, it makes me want to be better. Not necessarily for him, but for myself. So that nobody can make me feel this way. Anyway, I told him that if this was what he wanted, I would give it to him. In fact, I said that I would fuck the first guy I saw and make it easy on him to break up with me completely. I know, that was childish, but I was hurt. It's been almost 4 days since we talked, and he hasn't called yet. I'm purposely not calling him (to give him "time") and I blocked him on msn just so he can worry about me and call me like he should. Basically, you get it, I'm feeling pretty shitty...

Time with Miss Morocco, Dietician Appointment

So even though she's staying close by, I've been staying with my model friend from Morocco at her hotel. She and the other 4 models she came with have been really nice, and I've been spending all my time with them. The people who planned the organization seem to like me too, and it's been a really good opportunity to meet people (like the designer and sponsors) since they've been letting me participate in all of the events and hang out backstage at the shows. I haven't gotten much sleep but it's been worth it but it's true that when I see the girls I do feel really envious! I wish I could still be traveling around to do shows, I miss that life. And they're all so skinny! I can't believe I used wiegh less than them!!! Argh...they look so slim and beautiful and I feel like a cow :( By the way girls, they DO eat. In fact they eat everything, from hamburgers to deserts. But they don't overdo it! I'm noticing that they're not deprived of anything, but they always leave something on thier plate. That's how I used to be too. The point is not to let yourself get overwhelmed by food and lose control. Of course this is how they stay so skinny. Getting there is another story, then you have to keep eating salad like me...

Which brings me to my dietician appointment today. The semi-good news is that I did lose half a kg this past week (about 1 lb.) which is still an improvement. The shitty part is that my dietician says that with this diet I should be losing wayyyy more. Okay, I'll be honest, thanks to my model friends who still want me to taste everything they eat, I didn't follow the plan this week exactly. But she says that even someone who's eating more than what's on the plan should still be losing more wieght than I did. Oh well, it's a start, right? We're back to the first week's plan, she hopes that now that I've lost a little, I'll lose a lot more this week. And I really do need to be working out everyday, not just twice like I did last week. Besides, I need to get to the next part of my workout so I can tell you all what it is! Wish me luck...

Last night

So I did meet my friend last night, and it was amazing to see her. She's apparently here for 10 days for a serious of fashion shows which I didn't even realize (again, I wish I could be doing shows too; that envy is kicking in). It turns out she's had a rough year too, only the stress has made her thinner than ever! But seriously, it was like she never left and she has always been good at understanding me so it was nice to have her to talk too about this stuff again. Another friend of mine is a famous sports journalist on tv and I haven't seen him in over a year either. Again, it's just because I've been too embarassed to see anyone from that crowd. Anyway, I took up the courage to see him again because he's been calling me to have coffee since I got back in town a couple of months ago. The three of us went out to dinner, and I have to say I was very proud of myself because I really stuck to my diet even though he was trying to tempt me to go for mexican! (We ended up going to a seafood restaurant so I could have grilled fish and salad instead). I was totally open and honest about being on a diet, I'm not trying to hide it anymore because my social life has also almost completely vanished because of all this. I'm sick of being ashamed. Even my girl told me how proud she was to see that I was being stubborn. I haven't been able to go work out since Saturday though, which sucks and I really need to kick myself in the ass about that. Tomorrow is lpg/massage day, yea! :)

An Unexpected Visitor...

Hi everybody,

So I got a telephone call about an hour ago from Miss Morocco from the international competition. She and Miss Italy had come and stayed with me for a while afterward. It turns out she loved it so much here that she and her family are coming for a vacation for ten days -- starting tonight!!! She says she can't wait to see me.

I'm obviously really happy and excited because I've missed her but I'm also sad...I would have loved to be skinny again and modelling and have a lot to tell her about. But instead all I've done since we saw eachother last was gain more wieght, lose some again, run away from the city for 7 months, and now try to get my life back together. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, argh!!! I'm so embarassed she's gonna see me like this, even though I know she doesn't care what I look like. Oh well, c'est la vie...

I've been good today

So I had my appointment with my dietician today. This will be my second week in the program. I meet with the dietician once a week and she makes a meal plan for the week (you can see it just under the blogs). I go to the center twice a week though because I also have two 45 minutes massage sessions and 2 45 minute lpg session a week. The massage is specifically to get rid of excess water and helps get toxins and fat out of the body quicker while the lpg helps with cellulite and fat. So i went yesterday and got my new diet for the week.

The bad news is that I didn't really lost any wieght the first week :( And I actually followed the program and went to work out twice! Oh well, I hope this week will be better. She gave me a more protien-based program this week to help charge my metabolism.

Afterward I walked to the gym (about a 10 minutes) and then I did an hour of cardio that the trainer gave me (also seen below). After THAT, I walked home which was about another 20 minutes of walking. I hope all this stuff I'm doing will give me better results this week or I'm gonna be pissed!

For those of you reading this...

First of all, I'd like to thank you guys who have started visiting here. Please keep coming, I know there's not much now (although there are many great pics). I'm going to keep adding in the next few days, spring/summer fashion, more diets and recipes, workouts, modeling agency info, and a lot more links to similar stuff. And of course, I'm gonna keep posting on what I've been doing. I really appreciate any support, I made this blog because I need some extra motivation too. Just wanted to say thanks...

The Beginning...

It sucks to know that you lost an opportunity for something great because of reasons that were not it your control. That's basically what happened to me. Even though I'd been doing some local modelling in college, all of a sudden I got a professional agency in Europe, I won a national competition and went to to compete internationally. I got to wear a crown, I was in newspapers and on tv. I actually had a press event. Don't be mistaken, this was not beauty-pageant work either. This was for professionals, and I was starting to get good work. I thought how much I deserved this after all of the problems I'd had with my health.

I can't be more thankful that my health is good now, I wouldn't trade that for anything after everything I've been through. But the price I paid is that I gained a lot of wieght just when I was becoming a known model. But so what, right? I mean, I'm strong, I figured I'd just buckle down and lose the wieght. I'd never had a problem with food before, and I loved working out so no problem. Some friends even nicknamed me 'skinny'. I was a size 2!! Except that after two months of working out just before the competition, plus five sessions with a dietician, I barely lost 2kg. Which I gained back almost the second I boarded the plane for the competition.

The competition itinerary lasted a month, that we were in a foreign country, and we were working almost 24/7. We would get on a bus and drive for hours not having any idea where we were, doing a fashion show, driving more, doing an appearance, etc.. So glamorous, right? We were barely eating and I still gained 7 kg just in that month.

I know that it sounds like at that rate I would just keep gaining until I exploded. But eventually it stopped at a high of 75 kgs, and I was a size 12. By this point I didn't want to work out, I would eat because I was already "fat" and I didn't want to do anything.

Eventually I was so depressed that I decided to just run away and leave the city for two weeks, which turned into 7 months. Over the summer all of a sudden I noticed that I was starting to slim down, even though I was still eating a lot and not working out. I dropped down to 70 kgs by New Year's (down to a loose 10), and I found out from my doctor that it takes A LOT of time after a surgery and that kind of medication to get your metabolism back to normal.

During this time, I guess that I've always had some hope that I could lose the weight and go back to the life I started. I was working with a lot of agencies (here you don't work with just one), and all of them have continued to call me for jobs. I constantly make up excuses that I'm going to be out of town, out of the country, or have another job that day etc., just so that they won't forget about me. I pray no one I know sees me somewhere when I go out, (not that I think they could recognize me.) I'm on a huge time-crunch because I've been away from this for so long already. If I can make big progress over the next three months, I can be ready to work for the summer. If not, I can kiss this dream goodbye...