Update!

So first off I know that it's been forever since I've posted. There hasn't really been much of a reason for it, for some reason I just haven't been getting online as much as I used to.

I finally made it down to 64.7 kgs! And my dietician's office called me last week wondering why I "disappeared" since I hadn't been there in like, 3 weeks. I went last weekend and she said that even though I've lost 5 kgs. considering how much I walk, work out, plus my diet I should be losing way more. She's wondering if the medications I took before really messed up my metabolism or something. So she made an appointment for me with a doctor who specializes in metabolism or hormones or something. He wants me to get a bunch of blood tests and stuff which are gonna be expensive, and since I'm in a foriegn country my insurance is no good here. I gotta figure out a way to scam some extra money so I can get these tests done.

On the plus side, with our pr work right now, we're on our way to getting those two big projects done at that 5-star hotel. I'm meeting again with the hotel tomorrow to get thier specific costs for both events. One is a summer fashion show which we're planning to do next month, so after tomorrow I really need to haul ass on finding the sponsor companies. Basically, we're gonna have a bunch of different brands from differents sectors in the fashion show (like one jeans, one swimsuits, one shoes, one jewely, etc.) but if this goes well I won't have any problems with my family or with money woohoo!

On the modeling side of things, Red is helping organize a big fashion show for some mall at the end of this month. Basically he's arranging the models and the press. And he definately wants me to model! Which means exposure+cash. Another one of my agencies that had booked me a couple of commercials last year also called me to see what my status was, like am I working or what. And I said yes, that I'm working so they told me to come get some new photos taken with them so they could send me out to jobs again. All in all, stuff is really starting to shape up!

It hella hot here and I'm really lucky I get to go to this fancy pool/club in the summer with my gym membership. I go there when it's really hot to swim (exercise) and tan (free) lol. Red came today and I guess he snapped some photos of me in my bikini -- I'm excited to see how they turned out :) Plus I'm noticing that I keep seeing a lot of the same people and everybody's starting to chit-chat and because of the status of this place a lot of them are really potentially good contacts.

By the way, this book just made it's way overseas, and it's totally amazing. For anyone who hasn't read "The Secret", please do because for me it's been like a revelation. I just read it on Saturday and since then I have a totally new outlook on everything I'm doing. I'm realizing that despite everything deep down I know that all my shit is gonna work out exactly the way I want it to and that's why I haven't given up and moved back with my family. I just have to keep focusing on everything I know is going to happen. It may sound cheesy, but for me this has been a great source of motivation and it's really helping me to not get down about stuff. I guess just find what works for you.

Well, I'm sure that there are going to be a lot of good developments this week, so I'll keep you all updated!

The Show is No Go

So I just had Red call the producer, who was apparently just in a car accident so he couldn't really talk but he said something about the show not happening. So then I had him call the director who finally explained that apparently the producer and the production team at the network started fighting and couldn't work it out so they project is a no-go. Yes I'm sad, but like i mentioned before I really believe that this happened for a reason in that it gave me some hope to get through this time, in which I have still made good developements for work and in myself. And it also motivated me to get back into this business so that's good too.

To be honest, yes of course I'm sad but I'm also relieved. It's much better just to know this instead of constantly being nervous and wondering.

So I got right to work as soon as I found out, I already called the writer I know, and he and I are going to get together sometime in the next few days to talk about what i want to do, where he can get me in, and other projects that might be possible. I also msn'd the booking girl from one of my agencies -- the one who sent me for that show -- and told her how I just had 5kgs to go and that as soon as I dropped the weight (which will hopefully be very soon) I was going to stop by the agency to talk to them again and start going on go-sees regularly. She was just like "come tomorrow!" and I was like, shit no girl lemme drop the last 5 kgs and then i'll come! So I said I would stop by maybe next week or the week after. In fact I don't have to drop all of the 5 kgs. to go see them, the important thing is that I am constantly losing from one week to the next.

Oh well, I've also decided to go stop by my dietician's office tomorrow morning if she's there. I'm sick of being stuck at 65 and I'll see if she has any recommendations or wants to change my diet. I still need to go to the gym today, and I still haven't gone for that bikini wax lol. Every time I plan to go and start walking there something else comes up and I have to wait again.

I didn't get to go to the gym this morning, I was really late getting to bed again last night which is terrible I know. I always read to get to sleep and now I don't have any unread books so I'll have to get another one otherwise i just end up sitting on the couch in front of the tv all night. I wanna go to the gym now but Red said that maybe there is going to be a fashion show tonight so I'm not exactly sure of my plans.

Must stay strong!!!

Update

So I walked a lot yesterday, and then Red invited me to come stay over at his house so I went over there. I didn't follow my diet 100% yesterday but I didn't binge or anything so it was okay. Today we went to the movies, and the last time I went was at new year's so I let myself have popcorn and a handful of m&m's, and then I had arby's for dinner, which I also can't remember the last time I ate, since I figure that I screwed today up anyway so I would treat myself. But I only had a sandwich and small fries and that was all i ate today so I didn't totally overdo it or anything. In fact I'm thinking that after the fasting last weekend the burst in calories and now going back to my normal diet again (tomorrow) will help charge my metabolism.

I'm in an overall good mood, Red and I are working on doing that summer fashion show which is probably gonna end up being at a 5-star hotel here instead of at the nightclub. It should be better this way, plus I'm working on organizing a Moroccan fashion/cultural festival week thing at the same hotel with miss morocco. These two jobs are really big projects for our agency and hopefully will be really great accomplishments for me. Which also means that things will be much better with my family too. We talk on and off, I spoke to my dad on father's day but I think it's been about a week since I talked to my mom. That does suck but I'm really busting my ass on everything, from these projects to losing this weight asap so I can get back into that business too and have some good news for them that will help smooth things over. I think in thier minds everything is just like "what is she doing there?". Still, I did tell them about the job with the pop-singer and specifically said that they wanted a "model" and that I accepted just to be able to guage my mom's reaction. That night she actually gave a really good reaction and was surprised but overall it was a really good conversation so at least it bought me some more time.

Anyway, I had another surprise yesterday which was that I was able to wear a pair of pants and a pair of diesel jeans that I barely used to be able to pull up over my ass but couldn't even come close to closing. Plus my other really small jeans and pants that I couldn't even pull up over my ass, i can now pull up all the way. Now I just need to working on getting them closed and comfortable :) I don't care though, I've made a lot of improvement and it's giving me a totally positive outlook. I have just 5 tiny kgs to lose so I can go see all my agencies again. Just 5. It's like nothing after having lost 12 kgs., 7 of which I've lost since new year's. I'm back to the diet again tomorrow. I'm gonna call again to see if the pool is finally open, and if not i'll just be hanging out at the gym of course. :)

Red is probably calling the producer to ask for an update tomorrow. We'll see what happens!

I Ate

I finally finished the fast tonight when I met Red before the fashion show. I didn't eat very much though. And even though I was in a shitty mood from not having lost weight, Red swore a million times over that I look thinner. Oh well I'm in a better mood now especially because I'm proud I was able to exercise that much control. I'm sure that if nothing else it really was a good detox and it must have shocked my metabolism so I'm looking forward to some improvements this week with my workouts and normal diet. I'm sure actually eating something probably improved my mood too, I was a bitch all weekend! lol...

So yeah seeing the models tonight did make me envious as always, but for some reason i didn't get so manically depressed like i normally do. I mean I didn't push back the urge to cry or come home hating myself like i usually do after these things. If anything it almost motivated me even more, like when i was watching i was just like "yeah that's gonna be me real damn soon". I guess that everything happens for a reason, and whether this whole show thing works out or not it really gave me a good kick in the ass and motivated me by showing me that opportunity still exists and maybe it's not so far out of my reach as i made myself believe it was.

you may have noticed that i haven't been mentioning my dietician or posting new diets for a couple of weeks. the fact is that i got so frustrated being stuck that i didn't wanna talk to dietician and have another weigh-in when i hadn't lost any weight. i know that's really backwards logic since her job is to help me lose weight, but i've been a real futilist for the past couple weeks. oh well, i am gonna go sometime this week, in fact maybe i'll stop in tomorrow for a wiegh-in and to see if she wants to give me a different diet now.

mmm, getting sleepy. but i'm so happy i finally get to have some breakfast tomorrow morning :)

65 Sucks

Dammit! I've only had juice for the past two days now and I'm still at 65.2! I'd even be happy with a 64.9, I'm just sick of being stuck at 65! I did have some vegetable soup last night (just veggies though, totally fat free) but that's been it other than the juice. And I figured I could afford to eat that considering I walked for 3 hours again yesterday! How is it even possible that I wouldn't lose like, 1/2 a pound or something?!

Still doing just juice today, but I'm probably gonna break the fast tonight because Red is coming over and we're going to a fashion show. Unfortunately, I'll just be in the audience as always. These things always make me depressed. I end up watching the show and getting envious of the models and hating myself for not losing weight and working.

Anyway, I'll take some pics at the show tonight so you can all enjoy :)

Refreshed

So thankfully I didn't throw up yesterday, eventually I just went to bed. I'm guessing that I was really working some junk out of my system because I woke up this morning actually feeling really good and refreshed. Not only do I feel really well-rested, but like I have a lot of energy too. So I will go out walking soon. I have a meeting today and it's a good hour and a 1/2 walk so there and back will be good exercise. I'm not gonna bother going to gym because there aren't really any classes since it's Sunday and I'm still on the juice so walking will be better than doing actual cardio. I'll see how the fast goes today, I plan on breaking it either tomorrow or Tuesday depending on how I feel. By the way, don't ever break a fast by just eating whatever. You need to break it slowly by drinking vegetable soup broth, and then incorporating softer foods like the vegetables from the soup or other cooked veggies. That should be the first day, then try adding meat like boiled chicken or steamed fish, then move onto the raw fruits and veggies. If you just eat whatever you want right away, it's really hard on your system and you'll make yourself sick. This is if you've actually fasted for two days or more though. If you've barely lasted a day, it won't matter because you'll probably still have food digesting from before.

Feeling Sick

Yeah, so I totally didn't go out today. I was all dressed and ready to go but I was feeling sick and it just kept getting worse. Like I was gonna throw-up any second. I ended up putting my pj.s on, taking a pillow from the bed and going to the couch, and getting a puke-bucket just in case. I lied down and I fell asleep for a few hours, I'm better now but still a little queazy. I'm not sure if this is from the juice fast, I'm thinking that it's more all the stuff I ate yesterday.

As for the fast, it's going fine I didn't eat anything today and I'm not really hungry, just feeling a little dizzy but that's all. I'm glad that I took it is easy today though.

Crazy

By the way, I forgot to mention that it was also a small personal success for me on Thursday because aside from being a great job for our pr agency, the people from the press who know me now for doing pr work were really surprised to see me also modelling there. It was the first time in god knows how long I've been in front of everyone with full makeup, miniskirt, tanktop, and heels, and the responses were in fact really good. I guess the reactions could best be described as "pleasant surprise", like some of the guys who actually know me really well didn't even recognize me at first glance and then they were like wow, look at you, so I'm pretty happy I got some attention :)

On the downside, the fact that I didn't lose any weight last week is really making me crazy! I forgot to mention that I taped up a piece of paper on the bathroom wall in front of the scale last week and would jot down my wieght every time I got on the scale. I was just looking at it again, and all the numbers are like 66-something, 65-something, 66-something, 65-something...
Argh! What more can I do?! I hope I see some changes with this juice fast, because if I don't see a 64 by Tuesday, i'm killing myself.

Fasting

So yesterday I just wanted to rest, I was really tired from the job on Thursday. All the wind and standing for so many hours under the sun really wore me out. Anyway, I totally binged yesterday. I mean really binged, like food was actually air. I was so bloated and in pain last night, and this morning I felt like I was having a food hangover. I just felt totally lethargic and gross.

Anyway, since despite all of my dieting and working out (with the exception of yesterday) I didn't lost ANY weight this week :( I've decided to do the juice fast. But this time I'm seriously going to do it for 3 days. I started today, so far it's been good. I'm gonna go out in about an hour and I'll be doing a lot of walking but I decided not to go work out today. That on top of the walking on top of the fact that I already feel sick plus the juice fast sounds like it might be too much. I don't wanna make the same mistake I did last time, so I'll just stick with the walking for now. Maybe I'll work out tomorrow though.

By the way, the job on Thursday went really well. All of the press was there so the company was really happy. I didn't really get to talk to the popstar, just said hello, but it was a fun event and I got paid which was awesome :)

RIP Bunny, I love you

This morning bunny died :( I'm devestated. I don't know why, he would get into absolutely everything, and I think he ate some wax from a candle and it poisoned him. He was fine, then all of a sudden he got really quiet and wierd. And then he got almost paralyzed like he was just limp, and then i had him in my hands and he started spasming (by this time i was freaking out getting ready to run out the door to go to the vet) and then he just died. It was soooo sad. Of course I cried uncontrollably, Red came over and buried him for me. I really miss him. The house seems so quiet and lonely now without him.

I also didn't get to work out today as a result, but it's okay I really didn't have much to eat either. On a positive note, we were asked to do the press invites for a publicity event tomorrow. It's for a new ad campaign with a famous pop singer in it and they called back again saying that they needed two girls to welcome the guests and pass out the vip gifts etc, and since there's some extra cash in it too Red said I should be one of the girls. Which also means I get to meet the singer!! I'm so excited, I just wish I was 5 kgs. thinner. Of course then I would be doing even better actual modelling jobs but I'm hating the fact that the other girl is a model and thinner than me and I have to be in front of everyone and meeting the singer looking like this. I kept telling Red that I'm only doing it cause I could use the money but that he shouldn't use me because I'm his girlfriend but to make and honest decision about whether i'm decent enough to do the job or not. He seems to think I am, I don't feel the same way but oh well. Anyway, I'm excited so I guess I'll go to the gym tomorrow morning, tan, come home a do my hair. I'll just pack my clothes and makeup cause it'll be better to get ready there.

Wish me luck!!

I've been a good girl again, I actually went to the yoga and bosu classes. I didn't do the hour of cardio because it was already getting late and I still had to walk back home. So the walk was about 45 minutes (I went fast today), the yoga was an hour and 15, the bosu was an hour, so I got about 3 hours in again today. I just had some plain salad, no meat or carbs or anything, when I can home and I think I'll have some fruit and a piece of cheese now.

By the way, I notice that this happens a lot when people start working out a lot; while normally we're supposed to be on a diet and exercising, the working out makes us think "oh, I guess I can eat that too, I've earned it," but this is totally wrong. Don't let yourselves cheat by making excuses. Just the opposite, I always try to think "man, i just busted my ass for 3 hours, I don't want it to have all been for nothing. I'll just cancel it out and it will have been a waste if i eat this now". When you work out that much and then eat what you want, you'll only break even. So you may not gain weight, but you won't lost it either.

Anyway, another ex-boyfriend called again today. Also wanting to take me away for a weekend. I told him I have a boyfriend. He said to just not tell my boyfriend about it, and that he promised he wouldn't be bad. Liar :) Don't worry, I would never do that.

I was actually planning on writing more, but it's too late now and I'm sleepy. Goodnight...

ARrgh

I can't believe this! I'm working my ass off and still wieghing in over 65. Oh well, just gotta keep working at it I guess. Seriously, if I don't see any change within the next couple days i really am gonna go back on that juice fast. I've also been thinking about trying the master cleanse, but maple syrup is really hard to find here so I don't know if I can.

Anyway, I woke up late again this morning. Actually I woke up early but fell asleep again. So I've been hanging out at home, I'm gonna have a late lunch now and then get to the gym again. Normally I was supposed to meet a friend tonight, so i was gonna have a couple hours of walking to get there, and I was gonna stop for a bikini wax on the way, but our plans got cancelled so I've decided to hit the gym for the evening classes. I've got a yoga class and a bosu class, plus I figure I'll do an hour of cardio as usual. Plus the walk there and back.

So Red and I are okay, although there are things that piss me off. He just seems so goddamn lazy all the time. It's like, I'm trying to be all active and stuff and he justs sits around. I know that part of it is money though, we're both struggling right now and every time we go out it means we're spending even more. The worst part is that for some reason a bunch of guys who I used to date or used to know have all been calling me lately to go out, and I have to politely refuse all of them saying that i have a boyfriend. Seriously, it's way more difficult being a girl I think. Because it's always the girls who are getting called. I don't think there's a bunch of girls calling my boyfriend all the time (except there is this one model skank who keeps calling him over saying she needs him to take photos of her for her book, i'm gonna kill that bitch). But seriously, it's like they call me to invite me to nice clubs and have me picked up with a chauffeur or go away with them for the weekend. Do you know how difficult it is to refuse that?! Shit, I wanna have fun too. But I really love Red, and there's no way I would cheat on him. If we were in a better position financially he would take me to all those places too, it's not like he doesn't want to. And he gives me a lot more emotionally than anybody else would. I was just really pissed because he was gonna come over yesterday and i told him i was working out and to bring the tennis rackets and come to the club so we could play and he didn't want to because he's a lazy ass.

I also called the producer yesterday in a fit of anger after arguing with Red, and I was just like "hey, be straight, what is the deal here?!" I was like, the dates keep getting pushed back, i keep waiting to hear from you but I never do, so wtf? And he told me, in all sincerity that they really have been working hard and that everything they're discussing is with the network. So then I was like "are you guys still wanting to work with me or not?" and he said that they were but that there are so many technical things still that they haven't been able to get to that stage yet. I was like "you know, I turned down 2 job offers because this was supposed to happen" and he was just like, look I'm really stressed too but believe me we're working on it and i promise i will call you the moment that something developes. So basically i'm satisfied because I can't really ask for a more honest answer than that.

The truth is that I don't just wanna keep waiting for this show, I actually wanna start exploring other opportunities too. I mean, if there's another show or something or more modeling work I won't just sit around. But the fact is that I will need new pics and to go back to my old agencies again and even though I've improved I still shouldn't go looking like this, just like 5 more kg's and then I can start making the rounds. When I drop down to 60 I'll start working again, 55 will be ideal, and my ultimate goal is 52.

Proud

Damn I'm so proud of myself! I went to the gym (duh) and I was late to the core class, but it's okay I did 20 min. on the treadmill then went into the abs class. I was talking to the trainer after so I was too late for the hips abs thighs class, so I did 15 min on the stairmaster then ate my banana then went into Core Pilates -- they do it on a core board and it's freakin hard -- then i finished with the elliptical machine, bike, and rowing. Plus it took me close to an hour to walk there and back. So total, I did about 3 1/2 hours of exercise today. :)

I have yet to see if my weight's gonna drop this week (by the way, you will usually wiegh-in heavier after a workout) but i've really tightened up which is awesome. And I think all the walking I did the past few weeks really increased my endurance because I can get through all of this pretty well.

On a downside, Red is pissing me off. I'm gonna write him an email now, we'll see what happens.

Woke Up

Yes! I actually managed to wake up this morning! Granted I'm running a little late, I just finished breakfast and I'm ready to go out the door. I'm missing the stretching class but that's okay I'll still be able to make it to all the others. I'm so proud of myself!!!

Gym Fugitive

Yeah, so I accidentaly fell asleep instead of going out today. I did order my groceries online so I have food now but obviously I didn't get any exercise. Oh well, I'm counting this as a free day since it's Sunday anyway and too late to do anything now - there weren't even classes at the gym this afternoon. I'm still in pain, and I probably look really funny when i try to stand up and walk after sitting for a while :P

I'm going through the schedule for the week and writing down exactly which class I'm taking and at what time. Tomorrow looks good (assuming I can wake my lazy ass up) -- I'm doing Streching (at 8:30 in the morning! lol) which I really need considering how tight my muscles feel, then Express Core, Express Abs, Hips Abs & Thighs, Core Pilates, and an aerobics class. The only thing that freaks me out whenever I get into these workout obsessed modes is that the trainers will notice and think I'm a crazy freak.

In fact I was thinking about this yesterday too. Did you ever notice how sometimes there are like the really atheltic crazy muscular women who probably only ever wear workout clothes and have serious man issues, and they always know absolutely every trainer and they are always front and center in all the classes, and they basically do ALL the classes and they are always chugging protien shakes?? And like, they're thin but not really because everything has sort of reversed and started pushing itself back out and they've gone past being thin and into being bodybuilders, and for some reason they're usually over 40 (or look it anyway). Anyway, nobody ever says anything about these women, like i said they're like bff with any and all gym personel.

But I know that as soon as I start doing more than a couple classes all of a sudden the trainers will "take notice". I even got really paranoid about that yesterday because something really wierd happened. I met the trainer in my first class, the dance aerobics. Anyway, when we got out I actually wanted to go into yoga class after, but he had seen me doing cardio before his class too and then i still wanted to do the pilates later and since he was standing by the studio I decided not to draw too much attention to myself the first day and skipped the yoga. I went to the info desk to ask the girl if the pool was open and she told me to talk to the membership people.

When I came back from talking to them, the trainer was talking to the girl at the info desk and left when he saw me, then she asked me if they helped (all they did was tell me it wasn't open yet) and then -- here's where it gets weird -- she was like "lemme write down your name, what was it again?" and i was all "oh that's okay they helped" and she insisted and said she would pass it on to thier supervisor or something. WTF?!?! She's going to "pass on" that I was wondering if the pool is open?!?!?! So she actually wrote down my name (of course I gave it to her, i didn't want her to really think i'm insane). But i'm pretty sure it actually had something to do with the trainer.

I doubt he recognized me from anywhere and even if he did it wouldn't matter people much more important than me are all members to that gym. And I'm really sure he wasn't interested in me sexually because i'm pretty sure he's gay and that's no way to pick someone up anyway. Why wouldn't he just ask me my last name? Plus I have my trainer, who sees how much cardio I do from my program sheet plus she teaches some of the classes too. So I'm totally paranoid now that they're keeping watch on me or something. Oh well, what will they do gimme an intervention? I paid for my membership goddammit! I'm gonna make it worth every penny! Lol...

All I'm saying is that I feel like right now I'm all suspicious because I'm like a fat girl working out. I'm a prime target for the words "we think she has a problem". But if I was all skinny hell i could sleep there and stick my finger down my throat while running on the treadmill and they still wouldn't say anything.

So yeah it's so great I have this gym to fill my days instead of working lol. Hopefully we can get this fashion show thing so that I can actually make some money instead of just spending it. in fact it's probably better for me economically that i'm insecure about my body right now because i hate shopping for clothes (so i don't) and my decreased social life means i go out less too. I just keep dreaming about the day when I'l be thin and have money :)

Sooo Tired

Dammit! Weighed in today at 65.2, still not to 64 :( I woke up at 1, which is guess is kinda normal considering how totally wiped out I was last night. I'm sooo freakin tired today, my whole body hurts even when I don't move. I don't care I'm happy I worked out so much. The only probably is I'm finding it hard to actually move my ass and get out of the house today. Oh well, another hour and then I'll go back to the gym, stop at the store for some groceries, since now I basically have just juice. That's about it for now, nothing new to tell.

Great Success

Oh my god I can't believe what I did today. So I packed my stuff and left the house at like, a quarter to 10. I walked to the gym, which is a pretty steep uphill 20 minute walk, plus I was carrying all my stuff including my other shoes, clothes, shampoo/lotion etc. and 2 1.5liter bottles full of juice. So I was already sweating by the time i got to the gym. I did 30 minutes of cardio on the machines, then I did an hour dance aerobics class. After that, I chilled for about 2 hours at the cafe (having only my juice), and then I did 30 minutes more of cardio. After that I did an hour of pilates, which hella hurt after all that other stuff. So basically, it was like 4 when I was done working out. then my sports-journalist friend called me to come hang out, and I said okay. So i did 20 minutes in the sauna, then showered and changed and walked an hour and a half to meet him (still carrying a bunch of stuff, btw.)

So what you see here, is that if you total the classes, the cardio, and the straight walking i totalled about 5 hours of exercise today!!! Plus I was on a juice fast. By the time it was 8 I was pretty much completely dizzy and feeling totally drunk and he wanted to take me to dinner and I said no that I was on a juice fast and when he found out about that with the exercise (he called when I was at the gym, and he knew I walked to meet him) he basically wouldn't take no for an answer. We ended up going to an italian restaraunt and I had some pasta with cheese/cream sauce and salmon. But I only ate half of the plate, which was small to begin with.

So I did last all day and finally messed up the diet at night, but seriously I felt so funky. I can't even describe it. I wasn't hungry at all, I'm still not and I got full really fast at dinner, but I think that a juice fast on top of all that exercise was stupid on my part. In fact I hear you're supposed to take it easy physically on the days that you fast so that you will be less likely to need to eat something.

Oh well, I'm more focused now on the working out, since I've actually been losing weight with my regular diet anyway but i need to exercise and walk more to get really toned and actually burn fat. I just weighed-in when I got home, and even though it's night-time and I'm swollen from all that exercise and I just ate, I still weighed-in at 65.9, so that's some indication that I'll probably be under 65 tomorrow (i hope i hope i hope). I'll see how the next few days go with major working-out and my normal diet. If I feel like I've really hit a block, then I'll try again with the fasting, only not so much over-doing the physical stuff too next time!

By the way, I should mention how I am in SO MUCH PAIN right now. I just nibbled on the end of a protien bar to at least help my muscles rebuild overnight. Every part of my body hurts, especially from carrying around my stuff too. Every time I move i hear something different pop :P I need sleep!!!

Gym and Juice

yeah, so i've just been surfing the net, I didn't get any sleep. I checked the class schedule at the gym for today, and I'm gonna go to Hips, Abs, &Thighs at 10, Dance Aerobics at 11, and Yoga Fit at 12. Afterward I'll probably be out walking from one place to another. I'll double-check about the pool. I wanna lay-out dammit! If that fails, maybe I'll go to the modern art musem, i've been talking about it a lot but haven't gone yet. Still, I'd hate to be indoors all day when the weather looks like it's gonna be nice.

I mixed 3-liters of juice for my juice fast today. I mixed apple, grape, sour cherry, and pomegranate, plus diluted it with a little water. I used apple the least (it can cause gas, and pomegranate the most since it's the best for detox. By the way, my dietician didn't write this up or anything, I've heard a lot about juice fasts and wanted to try it on my own. I'm anxious to see if I can actually survive today, let alone 3! That's why it would be so great to go to the pool, if I'm swimming and laying out all day with some magazines, I'll probably be thinking less about food and won't be so tempted to eat. That's also why I think the museum would be a good idea.

Okay, better pack some stuff and walking to the gym. I wanna have time to warm-up before class...

Still Awake

I can't believe it's 6am and I'm still awake. Oh well, I had something to keep me busy through my insomia. I finally put all my old magazines to use and made my huge fashion/model collage on my closet doors. I have just the top and bottom to fill on the second panel, but my original plan was to do just one so I can't believe I almost covered both! I'm so happy I did this, I think it looks totally awesome, and what better motivation when I wake up or go to my closet? Lol, I wonder what Red will think, he'll probably see it as being totally artistic or that I've completely lost my mind (most like he'll pick the second option.) Oh well, I love it.




Anyway, I had to do something to improve my mood. I was getting all depressed and wanting to cry again, because as I was flipping through the tv channels I kept seeing girls I know on different shows. That gets me in a bad mood pretty fast. Seriously, it sucks that I know these people, I've actually sat and talked and hung out and ate dinner and gone to clubs and show with them and they all get to work and do fun stuff like be on tv while I sit here :(

So I ordered mexican last night, but I couldn't finish it all. I'm so happy that the urge to not overeat is stronger than my cravings, it's a good sign :) I did call the producer last night, I was just like, yeah Red told me that you guys talked a couple days ago? (lol he doesn't know that Red's my boyfriend) and I guess you guys were supposed to let me know about some tapings? His response was just like "yeah, I'm told Red I'd call him with the info". Um, hello, why did he not have the info already? Weren't they supposed to discuss all that on Thursday?! Crap, I hate everything being totally up in the air like this!



Oh well, I'm gonna start my juice fast today. I'm not sure I'll even go to bed after this hour. I think if anything I'll just lay on the couch with the tv on. The sun's up already, so I'm not really feeling like going to bed. I called to ask if the pool was open and they said that my gym was still "negotiating the terms" and that they would send info to everyone when the pool was available for our use. Shit, is absolutely everything that I want in the process of being "negotiated"?? WTF?!?!

I'm Back

I went to the store. Twice. The first time I bought everything (or so I thought), then I got home and realized I forgot to buy a phone card so I had to haul my ass back. Oh well, it was extra exercise and I'm really sweating now.

I did decide I'll start a juice fast tomorrow. They didn't have a juicer so I bought normal juice (from concentrate but it doesn't have any added sugar or anything). I read that you're not supposed to drink orange or tomato juices when you do a juice fast by the way. I bought a lot of grape and pomegranate though, because they're really good for detox. I heard it's also a good idea to water down the juices just a bit when you're doing a fast.

So I am gonna have mexican tonight. Mexican and the OC woohoo!!! I'm still weighing in at under 66kgs and with the fasting, I think I can afford one free meal tonight.

I still haven't called the producers. I'm gonna do that now, if I can get up the courage...

Still Home

Hey, so I haven't managed to leave the house yet. I got totally involved in cutting out pics from my magazines to make a huge model/fashion collage on my closet. I just started taping them up when I ran out of tape :( Then I decided to eat lunch (since breakfast was at 1) and I'm debating what to do now.

I'm definately gonna have to go to the supermarket no matter what since now I need tape, but that's only like a ten minute walk each way. Tonight's OC night (they're on the last season here, I still don't know how it ends!) and it starts at 8, but I can catch the re-run at like 1 or 2 I think. So do I go to the gym or not? Hmmm, a twenty minute walk there and back, plus an hour of cardio, and maybe a class?? Shit I dunno, and I fucking forgot to call and ask if the pool is open yet. I hope it is because I will spend all weekend swimming and tanning, yea! :)

I wonder if Red is dead?? He was supposed to call me last night after a fashion show, and he didn't. He hasn't been online at all today or called, I should probably call him and make sure he's alive.

Awww! I must be psychic, he just called! Poor thing, woke up at 3 today haha, guess his computer crashed and he was up all night last night fixing it. Anyway, he said I should call the producer and see what's up. Okay, I should get dressed and go to the store, and I'm gonna see if I can find a juicer somewhere, if I can I think I'll go on a 3-day juice fast tomorrow. Otherwise I'll just buy a bunch of organic juices.

I also haven't been able to smoke at all for the past two days. I'll finally get some cigarettes now, yea! :)

Sleepyhead

Oh my gosh, I woke up sooo late today! It's like, past noon and I just got my ass up. And supposedly I had my alarm clock set for 7am. Oh well, it's friday anyway, I guess I'll take it easy. It was raining all day yesterday so I didn't really do anything except get online a lot, clean a bit, and Red came over to discuss work stuff.

Oh well, today it's better so I should have breakfast now and the definately get walking again! I've been meaning to go to classes at my gym too, like I was gonna go for bosu pilates this morning but as you know I'm a dumbass and chose sleep instead :P There are some classes in the evening too, but like if a class is at 8 or 9 that mean it'll be after 10 when i leave, close to 11 by the time i get home, i'll have to shower again etc.. And the worst part is my adrenaline is gonna be really going which will mean more insomnia i.e. sleeping in late again tomorrow. Shit, I wish I would have gotten my ass up for the morning classes! I know, I think I'm making too many excuses. I'll just see how my day goes, i'll definately go to the gym to work out and maybe i will join a class. Still at 65 kgs, I've been bouncing around 66-67 for the past few days but i'm definately down to 65 now. I can't wait to see that scale drop down 1 more kg! Normally friday nights are my free nights, where I let myself eat one meal totally however I want (usually quesadilla, mexican beans and rice, sour cream yumm) . I'm debating though maybe I'll just skip it today? It would be great to lose a couple kgs by monday since I'm dropping again.

Okay, time for breakfast.

The thing about ed's

So if you're been keeping up and reading the diets I'm on, you can see that I probably wouldn't be considered as having an eating disorder. A lot of people think that you have to be starving yourself or throwing up after meals to be considered as having an eating disorder, and that your goal has to be to starve yourself until you die and be totally unstable. The fact is that none of these are necessarily true. You can be overweight and have an ed, you can eat and have an ed, you can be doing a healthy diet and still be obsessed. In fact, a lot of people who have eating disorders don't even realize they have them. The National Eating Disorder Association lists everything from binge eating (without purging) to distorted body image as types of disorders.

Aside from obesession, compulsion, and taking this to the point of being extremely underweight so as to seriously damage your health, I do also think that having sooo many things listed as ed's is a fabrication of American culture. For example, to begin with sizes in America are automatically bigger. If you're an 8 in America, you're a 10 in Europe. Sizes in the states have also gotten bigger over time. Before the 70's/80's a size 10 was smaller than it is now, so like when they say that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, she actually wasn't that big by today's standards. A lot of this comes from so much of the population in general being overwieght, and even average-sized people getting thicker. In Europe, there hasn't been a lot of focus on eating disorders yet, especially since not overeating is an everyday concept. The plates and portions of food in America alone are twice the size of those in other countries, and even then they practice leaving something on the plate. Our culture has basically trained us on how to keep expanding our stomaches so we will never be full.

I did try both: not eating at all and purging after eating. I also exercised compulsively, trying to burn more calories during my workout than I consumed in the entire day. First off, I definately do not believe that these have any direct connecting to modeling what so ever. People badmouth the media a lot, but the fact is that my obsessions don't come from comparing myself to other models. I just hate how I look and feel when I gain weight. I hate how clothes fit and how I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body. And when I was actually thin the fear of losing all my confidence and looks could also push me over the edge. (By the way, ed's had nothing to do with me getting sick or needing surgery).

Now, I don't necessarily think I would never go back down those roads again; it's really hard to control yourself when you have fear motivating you. But I also don't recommend these to anyone. The reason why I'm having to be more healthy now is that with ana/mia, my metabolism gets all over the place and I actually don't lose weight. The healthier diet alternative is working okay right now, and as long as I'm losing weight I'm happy.

By the way, as an ex- diet coke addict, I know that diet coke is a fave for any ed girl, but seriously I quit (I only drink a couple cans a week now when I go out). It really causes cellulite and even though it's one calorie the caramel coloring transforms into sugar i.e. fat, plus the caffiene screws up your metabolism and it prevents fat burn and locks toxins into the body. So yeah, as much as I love it I hate to say that diet coke is the devil.

Chocolate Craving

Red came and went. For some reason he wants to wait until tomorrow to call the producer.

I've actually been really good about my diet today, I sort of spread lunch out over the past few hours and it melded into dinner, so I ate less than I normally would. Except that now I'm totally craving chocolate.

When I really get a strong craving like this, I go into my stash of Kashi go-lean bars. They have the classic chocolate-covered protien bars or you can actually get like oatmeal bars dipped in chocolate. They're pretty good and even though they're all pretty high in calories, they're mostly from protien carbs instead of fat. Plus they're high in calcium and iron which are good at helping burn fat. It's not perfect and I don't recommend you eat them a lot, but at least when i get these cravings I can nibble on half a bar and it keeps me from running out to binge on brownies and snickers :P

Makeup

Right about now the producers should be meeting with the network again. I'm not expecting to hear from them soon but just knowing this is making me nervous. So I've been sitting here improving my blog :)

So, people have been asking me more questions about modeling tips and stuff, so I should probably add more things like that to the page. Here's a little bit about makeup:

Basically everybody knows that makeup can be really bad for your skin depending on the quality. I'm lucky in that I have really good skin and rarely break out but I've noticed that sometimes bad makeup can really bring out a bad reaction. Especially if you work a lot, you constantly have different kinds of thick makeup on your face. And if you're working with make-up artists, they usually don't use disposable tools so they're working on you with brushes that have touched a bunch of other peoples' skin. I personally think this is disgusting.

My fave brand is ofcourse MAC. It did start out as an actual "make-up artist cosmetics" company, so thier stuff is already great for professional use (this is also why they have so many far out colors etc.). Plus it's very hypoallergenic and I find that it's really easy on my skin. I use only MAC cosmetics, even just for normal daily make-up, and it's still cheaper than clinique or lancome or other upscale brands.

My advice is that you invest in a sturdy cosmetics case, brushes, and a variety of colors and finishes. Brushes can be expensive, but they will last really long if you take care of them and it's worth not using brushes that other people have used since they can harbor bacteria just like a sponge. Ofcourse there are different cosmetics sponsors and especially for fashion shows usually everyone has to use the same brand of makeup. Still, just using your own brushes goes a long way, and it's best to use your own foundation if you can get away with it. The reason I prefer to use my own eyeshadow/liner is because I find that a lot of other brands make my eyes puffy or red, and cause them to tear up which sucks when you need to go on set. Lipstick isn't so bad, but then again if you're lucky the person before you had a cold sore.

Okay, so seriously, I'm soooo not obsessive compulsive. But seriously, this is really important. You make a living using your looks and you don't want to dirty your face with cheap makeup and other people's bacteria.

Ooops, I forgot

I forgot there's actually also good news. I wore an awesome pair of pants today that my mom bought me last year and I could never fit into until now. And some other stuff I haven't been able to wear have also started to fit, so that made me really happy. Granted, I'm still not into the really good sizes again, but I'm getting there!

Also we had our meeting with the nightclub. It went well, we're gonna send them something in writing tomorrow and hopefully we can get moving on this project.

Okay, back to smoking.

Nooooooooo

Dammit, we called today. The producer is having another meeting with the network tomorrow. Apparently there's gonna be 5 rehearsal tapings on the set, and they're gonna set the dates for those tapings tomorrow. The people in the tapings are gonna be the cast they have now (including me). After these tapings, the network is gonna decide if they wanna go with this cast or change anyone.

I'm just very anxious and upset now because the production team was all about using me and it looked like if the show got accepted I would definately be on it. But now, it's possible that the network won't want me and then I'm screwed. I called a writer that I know who also wanted to take me around to a couple of shows and asked if he knows anyone at this network. I guess one of his friends worked on the production for this network until last year, so he probably still knows a lot of people there. He's gonna find out for me, it would be great if we knew someone on the inside. At least that would give me a little more security. Goddammit! This is bullshit!!!

I'm just really depressed. I know I shouldn't be because I still have just as good a chance now as I did before and I doubt that the network will wanna find new people this close to the actual air date (since they want the show for the summer season). But still, I feel like it just got one step farther away instead of closer. Shit!!!

Thank god I have cigarettes today.

Good girl

God I'm so happy I made it through yesterday. And just to let you all know, that day of fruit-only really works well, I lost almost and entire kilo in one day. You're not supposed to do it every day though, apparently it's only really effective if you do it one or two days a week between dieting, like a mini detox or something.

This morning I walked to the supermarket to get fruits and veggies and stuff before breakfast, I can't believe I actually got my ass up and went that early. Anyway, this is gonna sound really stupid but I tried something else too. People kept telling me to do this and that it works really well, and I didn't believe them but then my friend who's a massage therapist told me the same thing the other day and I figured I'd give it a try. You actually wrap clear plastic wrap (like, the kind you use to wrap bowls of food and stuff) on your body, wherever you really want to get slim. Like your thighs, hips, butt, stomach. You actually take the plastic wrap and just start wrapping it around yourself real tight (dude, don't do your whole body). I guess it's like the same concept as those thermal corsets. So I actually wrapped myself and got dressed and went to the supermarket like that. Seriously, I think it does work because it really makes your sweat a ton (you do have to walk or work out with it on) which you realize when you take it off because like I was totally dripping sweat underneath. And the sweat that I wiped off was actually like faded yellow, which also sometimes happens when I've worked out for hours and go into the sauna after (no, I don't use self tanner or anything). That's actually supposed to be the dirty "fatty" sweat coming out. And this was like, after having it on for an hour or so while I walked to and from the store and shopped. So anyway, that's an extra tip if any of you wanna try it.

Our meeting yesterday got postponed, so Red is probably coming over today and we're gonna go meet with that club. We're probably also gonna call the producer and see what's going on with the show, I could die from anticipation. All this waiting has made me too hopeful, I'll probably be devestated if it doesn't happen.

I really have to pee.

No Smokes

I forgot to mention that I also didn't smoke any cigarettes today, simply because I didn't have any and didn't get a chance to buy more. So basically, I gave up food and cigarattes in the same day...thank god it's almost over

Soooo Hungry! :(

Oh my gosh, so I really didn't eat anything but some fruit today. I even 86'ed the breakfast and had fruit then too. And I'm totally nauseous and my tummy is growling, I'm so hungry! I keep telling myself it's just another hour or so until bed. I can't screw this up now no matter how tempted I am or this entire day will have been a waste. I know you're probably thinking I'm so weak and whiney, but believe me, I've gone without eating before. This is ten times worse, because you actually are eating and it's making the stomach work and digest. But it's barely anything so you're immediately hungry again. Oh well, just another hour or so and then bed...

Hm, that comment about me being "lazy"...yeah I get that. The whole overanalyzing to the point of not doing anything. That's me. Sometimes I wonder though if it's actual laziness or depression? I never used to be lazy. I was a total overachiever in college, I was the president of practically every campus group. Even now I actually DO stuff. It's not like I sit around not doing anything. I'm just not productive for some reason, I don't really understand it either. In my head, I'm motivated and I wanna do stuff and I have a plan, so what is the hold up? In terms of the modelling stuff, yes I know it's a lot about the weight and not having any self confidence left. But aside from that, I wonder if sometimes I'm sabotaging myself? Like I set myself up to fail? I'm not sure why I'd do something that neurotic.

Oh well, hunger has also motivated me. I've been doing other stuff just not to think about food. I gave myself a manicure, REALLY cleaned the house today, have been surfing the net...man, this sucks. Okay, I'm gonna go get an apricot before my stomach eats itself.

New Hope

I don't know why, but I woke up this morning feeling all refreshed and motivated and optimistic. I've decided to do my one day of fruit diet today too. My manager/boyfriend, who I've decided to call Red from now on, is going to some photo shoot at 4:30 today and then he's gonna come over here. We're going to go to this hot nightclub to talk with the managers about putting on a summer fashion show. It will be awesome for our pr work if we can do this. Not only a lot of money, but we'll get a lot more business from this too. Plus Red says I'll model in the show too :)

I'm also really happy because even though I pigged out for three days my wieght didn't really go up. I mean, okay, so it didn't drop either but at least I haven't ruined everything. My fruit-only diet today will be a good detox after all that binging too.

Red and I were debating on msn last night whether or not we should call the producer to ask what's going on with the show. I have no idea whether it's better to call, which one of us should call, should we sound pissed off or totally cool about everything?? I have no idea anymore, I'm usually great with strategy but now I'm too nervous to think clearly. Red said he'd think about it and let me know this evening. Hopefully they'll call me by then (which I doubt) or I'll have some good news by tonight.

Stupid

Shit, I'm being totally stupid right now. I've basically got less than two weeks to get into the best shape that I can and instead of stepping it up I've been binging for like the past 3 days. Supposedly because tomorrow (aka yesterday and today) I was going to step it up. But I haven't so far, I just keep sitting around and eating. Shit! Why am I doing this?!

I know why, because I'm still waiting. Like I've been doing for weeks. And supposedly this thing is starting next week. Supposedly they were going to call me to sign a contract. It's almost Tuesday and they still haven't called. Shit, why haven't they called?!

And to top it off, I'm out of smokes. Damn.

Comments

So by the way, I can see you all have been visiting my blog (thanks for that, I really appreciate it) but no one has been leaving any comments so far. Please feel free to write or to ask questions. I'd like there to be some exchange of information going on here, let's please help and support eachother!

What's the Problem?!

Shit, I don't understand what's going on now. I've been totally following my diet, walking everywhere, and going to the gym too. It doesn't look like I've lost any weight so far this week though. This is making me crazy!!! I don't understand what more I could possibly do.

This is really putting me under stress, since my manager called the director monday and asked what the situation is. Apparently, they are just fixing the small problems/details with the network, and our premier date at the latest is supposed to be on the 15th of June. Which basically leave me with 2 week that I should really lose 5 kilos (or as close to that as possible). But dammit, I'm not even losing 1 let alone 5! What the fuck happened?! I haven't lost enough weight for it to just stop now, and with all the walking and exercise I should be melting away. I don't even do the same thing every day just so my body doesn't get to used to the same roads and workouts. Argh, I'm soooo frustrated right now!!! Just when I was getting happy and motivated...

By the way, I've started taking CLA supplements. Does anyone know if these really help in weight loss when combined with diet and exercise? I've heard a lot of good things about them, but when I asked my dietician she said that in general all that stuff is unnecessary if you've got the dieting and exercising down. Seriously though, I need something that's gonna help speed things up (or atleast get them working). The upside is that they have no side effects, as they're totally natural. I just wonder if they'll actually do anything?

Procrastinating

Hey, so I haven't really left the house for like, the past 3 days all under the pretext that I'm supposedly cleaning my house, which is a shithole right now. Seriously, it's embarassing. I'm always afraid someone is gonna drop-by and I'm gonna have to pretend like I'm not home haha. And I've basically wasted these 3 days not walking or going to the gym because I've been waking up late and the house still isn't clean, since I've been procrastinating. Even now I should be doing laundry and re-arranging my closet (I totally dumped out all my clothes on the floor to empty it and still haven't put them back in).

Anyway, I probably should have been working out a lot more because I don't think I lost that much weight this week. We'll see the results tomorrow when I go to my dietician's appointment. I've been pretty good about my diet except that today I ran out of groceries and figured I would be too late by the time I could go get stuff and come home and make food, so I ordered a light spinach and brocolli pizza with fat-free mozerella on a whole-wheat crust. It was actually pretty damn good since I'm happy to have had pizza at all, at least I don't feel totally guilty now. It was still as diet as it could be (yeah, excuses).

I have to say that even though I'm still not at the ideal wieght I wanna be, I've lost about 5 kgs (about 12 lbs) since I started this program last month, and my self-confidence has definately started to go up. At least being able to lose some weight has shown me that my effort is paying off and it's motivating me to keep going. I also feel like taking care of myself and the way I look more now, since there's some hope that I might actually reach my goal.

I'm still waiting to sign this damn contract. I probably don't have to mention again just how impatient I'm getting, it's literally driving me insane. I talked to my manager and we're probably gonna call next week just to ask when they're planning on signing. He's still totally against calling at all because he doesn't want me to look too eager, but it's been a week since they said the project had been approved and I don't want them to wait until the last minute to do something. I want to know what I'm gonna be doing already!!! Grrrr...

My mom's b-day is coming up, I should go online and buy her a gift. She's been calling me, it's better than not speaking, and basically she still says things that normally would make me crazy but I'm just trying to handle the situation until all this stuff works itself out and I have some good (in my mind anyway) news to tell them. I don't say anything at all, I just tell her I love her and miss her, the more I let her guilt-trip me the more we fight and I lose focus on everything.

Okay, well, I'll be back tomorrow to post my new diet for the week and how much weight I've lost.

On my way

Things are really starting to get better! I lost 1.1 kgs last week, which is a big improvement for a short time. Aside from the dieting and working out, I've been walking everywhere possible. I think I average about 4 hours a day of just walking now. I also posted my new diet for this week below.

The producer called me Friday, saying that the network accepted the show and we would start around June 10th! I can't believe this. It's so close! Okay, so on a good note I have been losing weight, but with the air date so soon I really need to lose more. I'm really gonna have to focus on my working out because even when you don't lose a lot of wieght looking toned can make all the difference. All that's left now is to meet for my negotiations and contract. Before I was gonna explode from the excitement of not knowing, now I'm just getting impatient. I want everything to be set on paper already!

I also had a facial with my lpg and massage saturday, it was great. Even if your skin is fine, I definately recommend getting a facial around the time the seasons change, the differences in the humidity and temperature can really stress your skin.

Shit, there's actually so much I would need to do before this thing like go tanning, get my hair highlighted and cut, maybe some collagen in my lips (?? I'm so envious it looks great on some girls my lips are huge but maybe just 1/2cc in each lip?), getting my leg and underarm and bikini line lazered before summer would be great too. Dammit I need money!!! People seriously don't get how expensive it is for a woman to look good, regardless of how naturally beautiful she is. Professional models have to do all this shit, plus get thier teeth whitened, some get botox, regular manicures and pedicures and waxing, facials and they all have personal trainers and dieticians plus they still get thier photos airbrushed! Speaking of photos when I lose a little more weight I'm gonna need a more current portfolio...

Other than that everything is pretty boring. My boyfriend and I are back on track now, and my family still doesn't know about the show so they're still on me about my career choices and what I plan to do. I've been really lazy about work in general since I'm counting on this show to change everything.

Okay, time for a smoke.

I can't believe it!

YES! For once everything is going right. Okay, so first off I've been following my diet pretty damn closely and even more I've been walking everywhere like a crazy person. Seriously, I probably walked for like, 4 hours yesterday. And I'm not counting the time that I'm walking around in the mall or anything, I'm talking serious fast walking outside from one place to another. I've been doing this for a few days now and I can practically feel the fat melting off my body. Everywhere is sore, but I don't care.

I'm going to the dietician in an hour (yea, massage!) and I know I've lost more weight this week so we'll see what the official results are soon.

Anyway, I really need to keep up this speed since I just found out last night that the network approved the show!!! We should start around the second week of next month. Oh my god, I can't believe this is seriously happening. I have such high hopes about this, but of course I'm trying to play it cool in front of people. I still haven't told my parents, I'm waiting for the actual contract to be in my hands ready for me to sign before I say anything.

Oh, and I have a bunny now. It was a moment of weakness as I was walking by the pet store.

Waiting

I got my diet for this week again (see below). I haven't been going to the gym like I should, but I've basically been walking for miles everyday. It's great exercise and yeah, I'm broke.

I haven't been online a lot lately, I've been running around too much. I had a couple of job interviews for "real" jobs. Just in case things don't work out the way I want them to. The pr work is kinda slow, and I can still do it but I need some steady income or I'm gonna have to move back home with my parents since they keep getting more and more pissed off as time goes by.

Hopefully I won't even need to consider those other jobs, our demo tape was supposed to go to the network yesterday, and now I'm just waiting for an answer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. This could really be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A friend of a friend is a writer for a couple of other similar shows and he met with me last week. He said that this would be great just to get my name out again and that if I did, he could line up a couple of other projects for me really easily.

As for the money, the producer did mention a number a couple of weeks ago before we took the demo but it was rediculously low for a project like this. Under normal circumstances I should get around 3 times as much. But, again wise words for my manager, I'm not bringing it up at all. When it comes time to sign the contract, I leave the haggling to my manager. As for the problems I was having with the producer/host, I mentioned it to the director and he told me not to worry and that the people who are really making the decisions (like him) all like me and really wanna work with me and that it's typical spoiled behavior on the producer's part and to just not let him get away with it. So I guess that's solved.

How long do I have to wait?!?!?! THIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY!!!! I need a cigarette...

Rehearsal Taping Yesterday

First off...good news about the wieght! I'm down to 66.4kg now, so I'm steadily dropping. (The photo is from before). Woohoo!

I'm so tired today! I experienced all the not so glamorous parts of the business yesterday. I had to get my ass up at 7:30 so I could make sure to have an early (small) breakfast, get all my show makeup on since they weren't gonna have a makeup artist on set, and choose which outfits to take with me. I got to the hair stylist at 10 and was on-set at 11 as planned. Unfortunately, nothing was ready and even though there was no decor since we did all our shooting in front of a green-screen (there's no real set yet since production is still in the works and it hasn't been designed) but we had two mic's and both didn't work. It was 5pm by the time they got there!! It was almost 6 by the time we started shooting. As if that wasn't bad enough, on the part where I did the most speaking the host kept fucking up by skipping the same thing over and over. And once we got that part right, it turned out that his mic wasn't recording properly so we had to do it all over!!! Then, we found out that another part we did later was totally useless because the tape finished halfway through and the dumbass cameraman didn't realize it! By this time, it was almost midnight and we were cutting for a food break. Meaning some bread, cheese, and tomato. It was 1:30 in the morning by the time I got out of there.

As if all this wasn't bad enough, the producer/host, who has been really great to me until this point was being an ass yesterday, I think he was trying to show off because of another girl in the show (seriously an idiot) who I guess is also his "girlfriend" although he was calling me out to a club with him two nights ago (which I refused) . Again, this is all fun for her now because he's showing her some attention, but the sad part is that if and when this thing starts for real, she's got a lot of disappointment waiting for her. I almost feel like I should warn her but then I'm gonna look like and idiot because I'm sure she'll take my warning to mean I'm jealous (we all believe what we want to). For example, she's also not aware of the fact that just Sunday night, before the taping, he called me and my manager in for a private meeting of the whole production team to re-discuss the format of the show, I'm sure she thinks she's got the inside track.

Still, I was totally pissed because the studio where I waited for 6 hours was freezing cold and mr.producer and idiot girl waited the entire time in the makeup room, which was nice and warm with all those lights. My manager even went somewhere else for an hour and I waited all alone there with no one talking to me. Mr.producer had me bring different outfits and no one even asked if I did or checked what I would wear so I did the taping in my street clothes that I wore there. They didn't check to see if my makeup was ok (which, of course, it was because I'm a professional). And he had me memorize stuff beforehand that we didn't even use. I get that it was just a demo taping for the network to re-hash the format of the show so not of these details were really critical (one of the guys we used for the taping is really a production assistant). But all technical problems aside, the whole attitude was total bullshit!

I almost considered just walking out. But my manager, and listen to this carefully because it's good advice, told me to just be calm and let them think I would always be this easy going and ready to accept poor treatment. Why? Because the closer it gets to production time, the less time they have to find someone else, and the more the network believes I'm a part of the project. Which means taking revenge when it comes time to talk money. I'm sure they could still tell I was angry, but I didn't blow up like someone else would have.

Anyway, let's see how this thing goes. Never get your hopes up too early because until all the papers are signed, nothing is for sure. We still have to wait for the network to send the contract for the show, and then I'll have my own contract with the producers to haggle over again and again.

Plus, I need to keep working on this weight! I really wanna be hot by the time this thing gets started. Especially because I don't wanna be the "fat" girl standing next to idiot girls. They're not tough competition at all, and I don't want anyone to have an advantage over me just because she's thinner (even though she's not attractive, I'm sorry I know that's really bitchy but it's true).

I have to walk up the street to the market now to buy lettuce, wheat bread, and smokes.

Rehearsal on Monday

So, the rehearsal taping for this show got moved to Monday. Thank god, at least it gives me some more prep time. I also found out that the show is gonna be on the biggest network live everday just before the news. That also sounds much better, at least during the day they'll have to be more decent about everything and that means less arguing for me.

I went to the dietician today, they did my lpg again but the dietician left early (that bitch). So I didn't get to get wieghed in and she didn't give me my diet for this week yet and I'm still trying to follow last week's. For what it's worth, I think I really did lose some wieght last week.

Things are better with my boyfriend, we're finally gonna see eachother tomorrow and business is picking up on his end too which seems to have pulled him back to normal a bit. Now I'm having big problems with my family. They've basically been supporting this lifestyle of mine for the past year and a half while I try to figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do and have started a pr agency that I'm trying to make work. Maybe under normal circumstances, where I would still be living closer to them and could be financially independant, things would be better. But the more unclear my life becomes the more strict they get. Like, before this time my career choices weren't such an issue. It was like, do what you want as long as you're successful with it. But the more I've been out in the open and had to depend on them, the more they've wanted some order to my life and that now seems to mean working at a desk in some big company with a 401k. We're already barely on speaking terms, and this show thing could push them over the edge.

The good news, if you can call it that, is that with this show becoming a everyday thing and the possibility of a couple pr accounts I might land, it looks like I'll be able to be financially independant. Which means that basically I have the power to make my own decisions. I guess I figure that my parents will just get over it after they see everything is working out. But I really hate having to hurt them, I just wish they could put all of thier worries aside. I am gonna ask though that if this show happens, my mom comes to stay with me for a while. She can be good support, and maybe they won't worry so much when she's with me and can see for herself that everything is good (which I hope it will be).

I'm not saying anything for now, I don't wanna fight about something that isn't sure yet. I gotta do this rehearsal thing on Monday to see if I like the format and really wanna do the show. Then there's money negotiations and the contract signing etc.. I'm totally freaked out! I can't believe I'm gonna be doing this in two days, it's crazy...

New Opportunity!

Okay, so first off, about my diet: still fucking it up. Not totally, but I'm not doing it exactly like I should be either. I don't seem to have gained any weight, but I don't really think I lost either. I know I say this all the time but I really need to start getting my ass in gear.

So another really good reason for me to lose weight: my new opportunity. A few weeks ago an agency I used to model with called me and told me to go to an audition for a tv show, but had no details. They said they wanted a girl who could speak foreign languages and had some dancing/singing talents etc.. I wrote before how I didn't tell any agencies that I gained weight, but they put so much pressure on me to go that I finally said "look, I'm not exactly a size 4 right now so if they want a model let's not all waste our time". But they said just to go and see so I went like at the last possible minute. I was the last girl they saw, and they said they really like me and that they wanted me for the show and that they didn't see anything really wrong in terms of my body that wouldn't look fine on tv. And yes, they saw me in a bathing suit, which took a shitload of pressure because normally they just asked me to strip to my underwear -- by the way, this isn't abnormal or perverted, they really do need to see how your body looks to understand how you will look in skimpy outfits and tight clothes other than your jeans etc..

Anyway, they said it would be a live 2 hour primetime variety show that would aid once a week for 13 episodes the first run and that their contract with the channel wasn't final yet but that when it was, in about a week, they would call me to start rehearsal tapings. Even though I'd been keeping in touch with the producer, after this much time went by I figured it wasn't gonna happen. Not for me, anyway. But the producer called me yesterday and told me to get ready and to have my makeup, hair and some outfits because saturday night we would do a taping.

Oh SHIT!!! Do you know what this means? I had to wax my legs, put a mask on my face and hair, depilatory cream for the arm hairs, gotta go to the salon tomorrow to get my eyebrows underarms and bikini line waxed, manicure and pedicure, keep whitening my teeth, gotta go tan a couple times, and gotta work out the next three days to make sure I'm atleast tight. Plus getting show makeup and hair done on saturday beforehand. Yeah, this stuff takes more prep than you'd think. They're gonna send a car for me Saturday evening, but I don't have a contract signed with them yet, plus I don't know exactly the studio because this rehearsal isn't gonna be on the set at the network. I asked my boyfriend/manager to come with me. It's usually a good idea because the fact is I don't wanna go somewhere alone like this at what is gonna end up being nighttime and end up being forced in some porno. Think it sounds paranoid? Talk to the girls I know.

Plus, my family doesn't know about this yet. I'm gonna have to wait until it's definately time to sign the contract, because I need to catch them when thier mood is good and also I don't know how well they'll take it. It's been a while since I've done this stuff and I think maybe they figure it was all over and I'd settled for my more career-oriented life. Plus, live primetime tv in front of millions of people every week is a bit different than fashion shows and photos.

Anyway, basically I've got a shitload of stuff to think about and do, and I'm totally nervous. Plus, I wanna look really good if I'm gonna finally be getting back into this stuff and people are gonna know who I am again. I can't fuckin' believe it...

Hating Someone You Love

So, I was hanging out with my model friends again today. The day went great although I'm kinda fucking up my diet. Not really, I mean I'm not overdoing it but I'm not following the program exactly either. So anyway, today was great because I made some more good business contacts and had fun with the girls. I spoke to my "boyfriend" -- no, he didn't call me, I called him but it was for something related to business. He was totally flirting me, and talking like nothing happened. But even though I let him know I was angry with him, he was totally laughing and sounded really happy to talk to me.

So we went out to a club tonight (yet another business contact) and we had a great time. Since I talked to my boyfriend today and it was like things were getting back to normal, I just really wanted to talk to him when we got back to the hotel. Okay, so it was 2am but he alwasys calls me and I've called him before but it's never been a problem. So when he asked where I am I said I'm "out" since I'm technically staying at the hotel with my model friends. And then he got all pissy and said it was too late and that instead of slumming around outside I should have called him at a "more reasonable" time and that he was watching tv and was too tired to talk to me. Of course this totally pissed me off and I told him to stop treating me like I was somebody he met yesterday or that I'm just a business contact or something. Anyway, as you can imagine that this conversation went on like this for a while and ended up with me crying and sending him a shitty message. I'm totally pissed.

Anyway, I can't believe it but the more this happens the more I feel motivated to also lose weight and start my modelling and become really successful in work too, just to make him see me and feel like shit for treating me like this. Is there such a thing as self-improvement for revenge? There should be, I think. This is a new concept we should explore. I want to be better for me (and yes, I do believe that appearnaces on the outside make you a better person because they reflect hard work and a desire for success) and to be better just to make him or anybody else who ever was able to make me feel bad about myself feel like a total moron. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, I do. But I want to be kind of indimidating in my success and self-confidence too. I want to make him think twice about being like this with me. Maybe it won't make any difference, but at least it's motivation for me now.

Is My Boyfriend Breaking Up With Me?

So I forgot to tell you all, it's really been a blessing that my friend is visiting this week, because after the first night she and I hung out, I spoke to my boyfriend. He's an entertainment reporter (we met when he came to a press-conference of mine) and he's also my current business partner. So the conversation wasn't good. He's been having a rough time lately, business is slow and his mom's been sick so he's had to stay at home a lot to take care of her. We hadn't seen each other for almost three weeks when we had this conversation and in that time it was like I was always the one calling him. Three weeks is really a long time for us because we're normally together all the time, since we work together too and he stays some night with me.

He's really sweet and we don't have any problems fighting or anything, we always seem to have a good time when we're together. He's been with me through my really bad times too, and it was hard when I left for 7 months because I broke up with him during that time just because of my own stuff in my head. But we got back together when I came back, he told me he still wanted to be with me.

Anyway, everything was fine except that we couldn't see eachother and I know he's always at home because he's always on msn. He's been really depressed and I called him again but it's like when I call he doesn't really talk and I feel like I'm annoying him or something. So I told him this, and that's I'm upset because even when I feel bad and I don't want to talk to anyone I still want to talk to him because hearing his voice makes me feel better and that's how he should feel about me too. But he told me that he really doesn't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, and the "it's not me, it's him". He says that he's not breaking up with me, but that he just needs "some time". What the fuck does that mean?! To me, taking a break is the first step to breaking up. But he says he waited for me for 7 months and now I can wait for him a little (guilt trip).

The worst part about having problems with myself is that when shit like this happens, my self confidence gets even more fucked than normal. I think to myself "If I was thinner and more beautiful now he would love me more." Okay, I know how many people are thinking that's pathetic, and maybe it is, but it's just the way I am. I'm not saying he's perfect, but it's him who wants to "take some time" away from me. But for some reason, yeah I cried a lot, it was still motivation for me. Like, it makes me want to be better. Not necessarily for him, but for myself. So that nobody can make me feel this way. Anyway, I told him that if this was what he wanted, I would give it to him. In fact, I said that I would fuck the first guy I saw and make it easy on him to break up with me completely. I know, that was childish, but I was hurt. It's been almost 4 days since we talked, and he hasn't called yet. I'm purposely not calling him (to give him "time") and I blocked him on msn just so he can worry about me and call me like he should. Basically, you get it, I'm feeling pretty shitty...

Time with Miss Morocco, Dietician Appointment

So even though she's staying close by, I've been staying with my model friend from Morocco at her hotel. She and the other 4 models she came with have been really nice, and I've been spending all my time with them. The people who planned the organization seem to like me too, and it's been a really good opportunity to meet people (like the designer and sponsors) since they've been letting me participate in all of the events and hang out backstage at the shows. I haven't gotten much sleep but it's been worth it but it's true that when I see the girls I do feel really envious! I wish I could still be traveling around to do shows, I miss that life. And they're all so skinny! I can't believe I used wiegh less than them!!! Argh...they look so slim and beautiful and I feel like a cow :( By the way girls, they DO eat. In fact they eat everything, from hamburgers to deserts. But they don't overdo it! I'm noticing that they're not deprived of anything, but they always leave something on thier plate. That's how I used to be too. The point is not to let yourself get overwhelmed by food and lose control. Of course this is how they stay so skinny. Getting there is another story, then you have to keep eating salad like me...

Which brings me to my dietician appointment today. The semi-good news is that I did lose half a kg this past week (about 1 lb.) which is still an improvement. The shitty part is that my dietician says that with this diet I should be losing wayyyy more. Okay, I'll be honest, thanks to my model friends who still want me to taste everything they eat, I didn't follow the plan this week exactly. But she says that even someone who's eating more than what's on the plan should still be losing more wieght than I did. Oh well, it's a start, right? We're back to the first week's plan, she hopes that now that I've lost a little, I'll lose a lot more this week. And I really do need to be working out everyday, not just twice like I did last week. Besides, I need to get to the next part of my workout so I can tell you all what it is! Wish me luck...

Last night

So I did meet my friend last night, and it was amazing to see her. She's apparently here for 10 days for a serious of fashion shows which I didn't even realize (again, I wish I could be doing shows too; that envy is kicking in). It turns out she's had a rough year too, only the stress has made her thinner than ever! But seriously, it was like she never left and she has always been good at understanding me so it was nice to have her to talk too about this stuff again. Another friend of mine is a famous sports journalist on tv and I haven't seen him in over a year either. Again, it's just because I've been too embarassed to see anyone from that crowd. Anyway, I took up the courage to see him again because he's been calling me to have coffee since I got back in town a couple of months ago. The three of us went out to dinner, and I have to say I was very proud of myself because I really stuck to my diet even though he was trying to tempt me to go for mexican! (We ended up going to a seafood restaurant so I could have grilled fish and salad instead). I was totally open and honest about being on a diet, I'm not trying to hide it anymore because my social life has also almost completely vanished because of all this. I'm sick of being ashamed. Even my girl told me how proud she was to see that I was being stubborn. I haven't been able to go work out since Saturday though, which sucks and I really need to kick myself in the ass about that. Tomorrow is lpg/massage day, yea! :)

An Unexpected Visitor...

Hi everybody,

So I got a telephone call about an hour ago from Miss Morocco from the international competition. She and Miss Italy had come and stayed with me for a while afterward. It turns out she loved it so much here that she and her family are coming for a vacation for ten days -- starting tonight!!! She says she can't wait to see me.

I'm obviously really happy and excited because I've missed her but I'm also sad...I would have loved to be skinny again and modelling and have a lot to tell her about. But instead all I've done since we saw eachother last was gain more wieght, lose some again, run away from the city for 7 months, and now try to get my life back together. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, argh!!! I'm so embarassed she's gonna see me like this, even though I know she doesn't care what I look like. Oh well, c'est la vie...

I've been good today

So I had my appointment with my dietician today. This will be my second week in the program. I meet with the dietician once a week and she makes a meal plan for the week (you can see it just under the blogs). I go to the center twice a week though because I also have two 45 minutes massage sessions and 2 45 minute lpg session a week. The massage is specifically to get rid of excess water and helps get toxins and fat out of the body quicker while the lpg helps with cellulite and fat. So i went yesterday and got my new diet for the week.

The bad news is that I didn't really lost any wieght the first week :( And I actually followed the program and went to work out twice! Oh well, I hope this week will be better. She gave me a more protien-based program this week to help charge my metabolism.

Afterward I walked to the gym (about a 10 minutes) and then I did an hour of cardio that the trainer gave me (also seen below). After THAT, I walked home which was about another 20 minutes of walking. I hope all this stuff I'm doing will give me better results this week or I'm gonna be pissed!

For those of you reading this...

First of all, I'd like to thank you guys who have started visiting here. Please keep coming, I know there's not much now (although there are many great pics). I'm going to keep adding in the next few days, spring/summer fashion, more diets and recipes, workouts, modeling agency info, and a lot more links to similar stuff. And of course, I'm gonna keep posting on what I've been doing. I really appreciate any support, I made this blog because I need some extra motivation too. Just wanted to say thanks...

The Beginning...

It sucks to know that you lost an opportunity for something great because of reasons that were not it your control. That's basically what happened to me. Even though I'd been doing some local modelling in college, all of a sudden I got a professional agency in Europe, I won a national competition and went to to compete internationally. I got to wear a crown, I was in newspapers and on tv. I actually had a press event. Don't be mistaken, this was not beauty-pageant work either. This was for professionals, and I was starting to get good work. I thought how much I deserved this after all of the problems I'd had with my health.

I can't be more thankful that my health is good now, I wouldn't trade that for anything after everything I've been through. But the price I paid is that I gained a lot of wieght just when I was becoming a known model. But so what, right? I mean, I'm strong, I figured I'd just buckle down and lose the wieght. I'd never had a problem with food before, and I loved working out so no problem. Some friends even nicknamed me 'skinny'. I was a size 2!! Except that after two months of working out just before the competition, plus five sessions with a dietician, I barely lost 2kg. Which I gained back almost the second I boarded the plane for the competition.

The competition itinerary lasted a month, that we were in a foreign country, and we were working almost 24/7. We would get on a bus and drive for hours not having any idea where we were, doing a fashion show, driving more, doing an appearance, etc.. So glamorous, right? We were barely eating and I still gained 7 kg just in that month.

I know that it sounds like at that rate I would just keep gaining until I exploded. But eventually it stopped at a high of 75 kgs, and I was a size 12. By this point I didn't want to work out, I would eat because I was already "fat" and I didn't want to do anything.

Eventually I was so depressed that I decided to just run away and leave the city for two weeks, which turned into 7 months. Over the summer all of a sudden I noticed that I was starting to slim down, even though I was still eating a lot and not working out. I dropped down to 70 kgs by New Year's (down to a loose 10), and I found out from my doctor that it takes A LOT of time after a surgery and that kind of medication to get your metabolism back to normal.

During this time, I guess that I've always had some hope that I could lose the weight and go back to the life I started. I was working with a lot of agencies (here you don't work with just one), and all of them have continued to call me for jobs. I constantly make up excuses that I'm going to be out of town, out of the country, or have another job that day etc., just so that they won't forget about me. I pray no one I know sees me somewhere when I go out, (not that I think they could recognize me.) I'm on a huge time-crunch because I've been away from this for so long already. If I can make big progress over the next three months, I can be ready to work for the summer. If not, I can kiss this dream goodbye...