Ooops, I forgot

I forgot there's actually also good news. I wore an awesome pair of pants today that my mom bought me last year and I could never fit into until now. And some other stuff I haven't been able to wear have also started to fit, so that made me really happy. Granted, I'm still not into the really good sizes again, but I'm getting there!

Also we had our meeting with the nightclub. It went well, we're gonna send them something in writing tomorrow and hopefully we can get moving on this project.

Okay, back to smoking.

Nooooooooo

Dammit, we called today. The producer is having another meeting with the network tomorrow. Apparently there's gonna be 5 rehearsal tapings on the set, and they're gonna set the dates for those tapings tomorrow. The people in the tapings are gonna be the cast they have now (including me). After these tapings, the network is gonna decide if they wanna go with this cast or change anyone.

I'm just very anxious and upset now because the production team was all about using me and it looked like if the show got accepted I would definately be on it. But now, it's possible that the network won't want me and then I'm screwed. I called a writer that I know who also wanted to take me around to a couple of shows and asked if he knows anyone at this network. I guess one of his friends worked on the production for this network until last year, so he probably still knows a lot of people there. He's gonna find out for me, it would be great if we knew someone on the inside. At least that would give me a little more security. Goddammit! This is bullshit!!!

I'm just really depressed. I know I shouldn't be because I still have just as good a chance now as I did before and I doubt that the network will wanna find new people this close to the actual air date (since they want the show for the summer season). But still, I feel like it just got one step farther away instead of closer. Shit!!!

Thank god I have cigarettes today.

Good girl

God I'm so happy I made it through yesterday. And just to let you all know, that day of fruit-only really works well, I lost almost and entire kilo in one day. You're not supposed to do it every day though, apparently it's only really effective if you do it one or two days a week between dieting, like a mini detox or something.

This morning I walked to the supermarket to get fruits and veggies and stuff before breakfast, I can't believe I actually got my ass up and went that early. Anyway, this is gonna sound really stupid but I tried something else too. People kept telling me to do this and that it works really well, and I didn't believe them but then my friend who's a massage therapist told me the same thing the other day and I figured I'd give it a try. You actually wrap clear plastic wrap (like, the kind you use to wrap bowls of food and stuff) on your body, wherever you really want to get slim. Like your thighs, hips, butt, stomach. You actually take the plastic wrap and just start wrapping it around yourself real tight (dude, don't do your whole body). I guess it's like the same concept as those thermal corsets. So I actually wrapped myself and got dressed and went to the supermarket like that. Seriously, I think it does work because it really makes your sweat a ton (you do have to walk or work out with it on) which you realize when you take it off because like I was totally dripping sweat underneath. And the sweat that I wiped off was actually like faded yellow, which also sometimes happens when I've worked out for hours and go into the sauna after (no, I don't use self tanner or anything). That's actually supposed to be the dirty "fatty" sweat coming out. And this was like, after having it on for an hour or so while I walked to and from the store and shopped. So anyway, that's an extra tip if any of you wanna try it.

Our meeting yesterday got postponed, so Red is probably coming over today and we're gonna go meet with that club. We're probably also gonna call the producer and see what's going on with the show, I could die from anticipation. All this waiting has made me too hopeful, I'll probably be devestated if it doesn't happen.

I really have to pee.

No Smokes

I forgot to mention that I also didn't smoke any cigarettes today, simply because I didn't have any and didn't get a chance to buy more. So basically, I gave up food and cigarattes in the same day...thank god it's almost over

Soooo Hungry! :(

Oh my gosh, so I really didn't eat anything but some fruit today. I even 86'ed the breakfast and had fruit then too. And I'm totally nauseous and my tummy is growling, I'm so hungry! I keep telling myself it's just another hour or so until bed. I can't screw this up now no matter how tempted I am or this entire day will have been a waste. I know you're probably thinking I'm so weak and whiney, but believe me, I've gone without eating before. This is ten times worse, because you actually are eating and it's making the stomach work and digest. But it's barely anything so you're immediately hungry again. Oh well, just another hour or so and then bed...

Hm, that comment about me being "lazy"...yeah I get that. The whole overanalyzing to the point of not doing anything. That's me. Sometimes I wonder though if it's actual laziness or depression? I never used to be lazy. I was a total overachiever in college, I was the president of practically every campus group. Even now I actually DO stuff. It's not like I sit around not doing anything. I'm just not productive for some reason, I don't really understand it either. In my head, I'm motivated and I wanna do stuff and I have a plan, so what is the hold up? In terms of the modelling stuff, yes I know it's a lot about the weight and not having any self confidence left. But aside from that, I wonder if sometimes I'm sabotaging myself? Like I set myself up to fail? I'm not sure why I'd do something that neurotic.

Oh well, hunger has also motivated me. I've been doing other stuff just not to think about food. I gave myself a manicure, REALLY cleaned the house today, have been surfing the net...man, this sucks. Okay, I'm gonna go get an apricot before my stomach eats itself.