Is My Boyfriend Breaking Up With Me?

So I forgot to tell you all, it's really been a blessing that my friend is visiting this week, because after the first night she and I hung out, I spoke to my boyfriend. He's an entertainment reporter (we met when he came to a press-conference of mine) and he's also my current business partner. So the conversation wasn't good. He's been having a rough time lately, business is slow and his mom's been sick so he's had to stay at home a lot to take care of her. We hadn't seen each other for almost three weeks when we had this conversation and in that time it was like I was always the one calling him. Three weeks is really a long time for us because we're normally together all the time, since we work together too and he stays some night with me.

He's really sweet and we don't have any problems fighting or anything, we always seem to have a good time when we're together. He's been with me through my really bad times too, and it was hard when I left for 7 months because I broke up with him during that time just because of my own stuff in my head. But we got back together when I came back, he told me he still wanted to be with me.

Anyway, everything was fine except that we couldn't see eachother and I know he's always at home because he's always on msn. He's been really depressed and I called him again but it's like when I call he doesn't really talk and I feel like I'm annoying him or something. So I told him this, and that's I'm upset because even when I feel bad and I don't want to talk to anyone I still want to talk to him because hearing his voice makes me feel better and that's how he should feel about me too. But he told me that he really doesn't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, and the "it's not me, it's him". He says that he's not breaking up with me, but that he just needs "some time". What the fuck does that mean?! To me, taking a break is the first step to breaking up. But he says he waited for me for 7 months and now I can wait for him a little (guilt trip).

The worst part about having problems with myself is that when shit like this happens, my self confidence gets even more fucked than normal. I think to myself "If I was thinner and more beautiful now he would love me more." Okay, I know how many people are thinking that's pathetic, and maybe it is, but it's just the way I am. I'm not saying he's perfect, but it's him who wants to "take some time" away from me. But for some reason, yeah I cried a lot, it was still motivation for me. Like, it makes me want to be better. Not necessarily for him, but for myself. So that nobody can make me feel this way. Anyway, I told him that if this was what he wanted, I would give it to him. In fact, I said that I would fuck the first guy I saw and make it easy on him to break up with me completely. I know, that was childish, but I was hurt. It's been almost 4 days since we talked, and he hasn't called yet. I'm purposely not calling him (to give him "time") and I blocked him on msn just so he can worry about me and call me like he should. Basically, you get it, I'm feeling pretty shitty...

Time with Miss Morocco, Dietician Appointment

So even though she's staying close by, I've been staying with my model friend from Morocco at her hotel. She and the other 4 models she came with have been really nice, and I've been spending all my time with them. The people who planned the organization seem to like me too, and it's been a really good opportunity to meet people (like the designer and sponsors) since they've been letting me participate in all of the events and hang out backstage at the shows. I haven't gotten much sleep but it's been worth it but it's true that when I see the girls I do feel really envious! I wish I could still be traveling around to do shows, I miss that life. And they're all so skinny! I can't believe I used wiegh less than them!!! Argh...they look so slim and beautiful and I feel like a cow :( By the way girls, they DO eat. In fact they eat everything, from hamburgers to deserts. But they don't overdo it! I'm noticing that they're not deprived of anything, but they always leave something on thier plate. That's how I used to be too. The point is not to let yourself get overwhelmed by food and lose control. Of course this is how they stay so skinny. Getting there is another story, then you have to keep eating salad like me...

Which brings me to my dietician appointment today. The semi-good news is that I did lose half a kg this past week (about 1 lb.) which is still an improvement. The shitty part is that my dietician says that with this diet I should be losing wayyyy more. Okay, I'll be honest, thanks to my model friends who still want me to taste everything they eat, I didn't follow the plan this week exactly. But she says that even someone who's eating more than what's on the plan should still be losing more wieght than I did. Oh well, it's a start, right? We're back to the first week's plan, she hopes that now that I've lost a little, I'll lose a lot more this week. And I really do need to be working out everyday, not just twice like I did last week. Besides, I need to get to the next part of my workout so I can tell you all what it is! Wish me luck...