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So by the way, I can see you all have been visiting my blog (thanks for that, I really appreciate it) but no one has been leaving any comments so far. Please feel free to write or to ask questions. I'd like there to be some exchange of information going on here, let's please help and support eachother!

What's the Problem?!

Shit, I don't understand what's going on now. I've been totally following my diet, walking everywhere, and going to the gym too. It doesn't look like I've lost any weight so far this week though. This is making me crazy!!! I don't understand what more I could possibly do.

This is really putting me under stress, since my manager called the director monday and asked what the situation is. Apparently, they are just fixing the small problems/details with the network, and our premier date at the latest is supposed to be on the 15th of June. Which basically leave me with 2 week that I should really lose 5 kilos (or as close to that as possible). But dammit, I'm not even losing 1 let alone 5! What the fuck happened?! I haven't lost enough weight for it to just stop now, and with all the walking and exercise I should be melting away. I don't even do the same thing every day just so my body doesn't get to used to the same roads and workouts. Argh, I'm soooo frustrated right now!!! Just when I was getting happy and motivated...

By the way, I've started taking CLA supplements. Does anyone know if these really help in weight loss when combined with diet and exercise? I've heard a lot of good things about them, but when I asked my dietician she said that in general all that stuff is unnecessary if you've got the dieting and exercising down. Seriously though, I need something that's gonna help speed things up (or atleast get them working). The upside is that they have no side effects, as they're totally natural. I just wonder if they'll actually do anything?

Procrastinating

Hey, so I haven't really left the house for like, the past 3 days all under the pretext that I'm supposedly cleaning my house, which is a shithole right now. Seriously, it's embarassing. I'm always afraid someone is gonna drop-by and I'm gonna have to pretend like I'm not home haha. And I've basically wasted these 3 days not walking or going to the gym because I've been waking up late and the house still isn't clean, since I've been procrastinating. Even now I should be doing laundry and re-arranging my closet (I totally dumped out all my clothes on the floor to empty it and still haven't put them back in).

Anyway, I probably should have been working out a lot more because I don't think I lost that much weight this week. We'll see the results tomorrow when I go to my dietician's appointment. I've been pretty good about my diet except that today I ran out of groceries and figured I would be too late by the time I could go get stuff and come home and make food, so I ordered a light spinach and brocolli pizza with fat-free mozerella on a whole-wheat crust. It was actually pretty damn good since I'm happy to have had pizza at all, at least I don't feel totally guilty now. It was still as diet as it could be (yeah, excuses).

I have to say that even though I'm still not at the ideal wieght I wanna be, I've lost about 5 kgs (about 12 lbs) since I started this program last month, and my self-confidence has definately started to go up. At least being able to lose some weight has shown me that my effort is paying off and it's motivating me to keep going. I also feel like taking care of myself and the way I look more now, since there's some hope that I might actually reach my goal.

I'm still waiting to sign this damn contract. I probably don't have to mention again just how impatient I'm getting, it's literally driving me insane. I talked to my manager and we're probably gonna call next week just to ask when they're planning on signing. He's still totally against calling at all because he doesn't want me to look too eager, but it's been a week since they said the project had been approved and I don't want them to wait until the last minute to do something. I want to know what I'm gonna be doing already!!! Grrrr...

My mom's b-day is coming up, I should go online and buy her a gift. She's been calling me, it's better than not speaking, and basically she still says things that normally would make me crazy but I'm just trying to handle the situation until all this stuff works itself out and I have some good (in my mind anyway) news to tell them. I don't say anything at all, I just tell her I love her and miss her, the more I let her guilt-trip me the more we fight and I lose focus on everything.

Okay, well, I'll be back tomorrow to post my new diet for the week and how much weight I've lost.

On my way

Things are really starting to get better! I lost 1.1 kgs last week, which is a big improvement for a short time. Aside from the dieting and working out, I've been walking everywhere possible. I think I average about 4 hours a day of just walking now. I also posted my new diet for this week below.

The producer called me Friday, saying that the network accepted the show and we would start around June 10th! I can't believe this. It's so close! Okay, so on a good note I have been losing weight, but with the air date so soon I really need to lose more. I'm really gonna have to focus on my working out because even when you don't lose a lot of wieght looking toned can make all the difference. All that's left now is to meet for my negotiations and contract. Before I was gonna explode from the excitement of not knowing, now I'm just getting impatient. I want everything to be set on paper already!

I also had a facial with my lpg and massage saturday, it was great. Even if your skin is fine, I definately recommend getting a facial around the time the seasons change, the differences in the humidity and temperature can really stress your skin.

Shit, there's actually so much I would need to do before this thing like go tanning, get my hair highlighted and cut, maybe some collagen in my lips (?? I'm so envious it looks great on some girls my lips are huge but maybe just 1/2cc in each lip?), getting my leg and underarm and bikini line lazered before summer would be great too. Dammit I need money!!! People seriously don't get how expensive it is for a woman to look good, regardless of how naturally beautiful she is. Professional models have to do all this shit, plus get thier teeth whitened, some get botox, regular manicures and pedicures and waxing, facials and they all have personal trainers and dieticians plus they still get thier photos airbrushed! Speaking of photos when I lose a little more weight I'm gonna need a more current portfolio...

Other than that everything is pretty boring. My boyfriend and I are back on track now, and my family still doesn't know about the show so they're still on me about my career choices and what I plan to do. I've been really lazy about work in general since I'm counting on this show to change everything.

Okay, time for a smoke.

I can't believe it!

YES! For once everything is going right. Okay, so first off I've been following my diet pretty damn closely and even more I've been walking everywhere like a crazy person. Seriously, I probably walked for like, 4 hours yesterday. And I'm not counting the time that I'm walking around in the mall or anything, I'm talking serious fast walking outside from one place to another. I've been doing this for a few days now and I can practically feel the fat melting off my body. Everywhere is sore, but I don't care.

I'm going to the dietician in an hour (yea, massage!) and I know I've lost more weight this week so we'll see what the official results are soon.

Anyway, I really need to keep up this speed since I just found out last night that the network approved the show!!! We should start around the second week of next month. Oh my god, I can't believe this is seriously happening. I have such high hopes about this, but of course I'm trying to play it cool in front of people. I still haven't told my parents, I'm waiting for the actual contract to be in my hands ready for me to sign before I say anything.

Oh, and I have a bunny now. It was a moment of weakness as I was walking by the pet store.

Waiting

I got my diet for this week again (see below). I haven't been going to the gym like I should, but I've basically been walking for miles everyday. It's great exercise and yeah, I'm broke.

I haven't been online a lot lately, I've been running around too much. I had a couple of job interviews for "real" jobs. Just in case things don't work out the way I want them to. The pr work is kinda slow, and I can still do it but I need some steady income or I'm gonna have to move back home with my parents since they keep getting more and more pissed off as time goes by.

Hopefully I won't even need to consider those other jobs, our demo tape was supposed to go to the network yesterday, and now I'm just waiting for an answer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. This could really be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A friend of a friend is a writer for a couple of other similar shows and he met with me last week. He said that this would be great just to get my name out again and that if I did, he could line up a couple of other projects for me really easily.

As for the money, the producer did mention a number a couple of weeks ago before we took the demo but it was rediculously low for a project like this. Under normal circumstances I should get around 3 times as much. But, again wise words for my manager, I'm not bringing it up at all. When it comes time to sign the contract, I leave the haggling to my manager. As for the problems I was having with the producer/host, I mentioned it to the director and he told me not to worry and that the people who are really making the decisions (like him) all like me and really wanna work with me and that it's typical spoiled behavior on the producer's part and to just not let him get away with it. So I guess that's solved.

How long do I have to wait?!?!?! THIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY!!!! I need a cigarette...

Rehearsal Taping Yesterday

First off...good news about the wieght! I'm down to 66.4kg now, so I'm steadily dropping. (The photo is from before). Woohoo!

I'm so tired today! I experienced all the not so glamorous parts of the business yesterday. I had to get my ass up at 7:30 so I could make sure to have an early (small) breakfast, get all my show makeup on since they weren't gonna have a makeup artist on set, and choose which outfits to take with me. I got to the hair stylist at 10 and was on-set at 11 as planned. Unfortunately, nothing was ready and even though there was no decor since we did all our shooting in front of a green-screen (there's no real set yet since production is still in the works and it hasn't been designed) but we had two mic's and both didn't work. It was 5pm by the time they got there!! It was almost 6 by the time we started shooting. As if that wasn't bad enough, on the part where I did the most speaking the host kept fucking up by skipping the same thing over and over. And once we got that part right, it turned out that his mic wasn't recording properly so we had to do it all over!!! Then, we found out that another part we did later was totally useless because the tape finished halfway through and the dumbass cameraman didn't realize it! By this time, it was almost midnight and we were cutting for a food break. Meaning some bread, cheese, and tomato. It was 1:30 in the morning by the time I got out of there.

As if all this wasn't bad enough, the producer/host, who has been really great to me until this point was being an ass yesterday, I think he was trying to show off because of another girl in the show (seriously an idiot) who I guess is also his "girlfriend" although he was calling me out to a club with him two nights ago (which I refused) . Again, this is all fun for her now because he's showing her some attention, but the sad part is that if and when this thing starts for real, she's got a lot of disappointment waiting for her. I almost feel like I should warn her but then I'm gonna look like and idiot because I'm sure she'll take my warning to mean I'm jealous (we all believe what we want to). For example, she's also not aware of the fact that just Sunday night, before the taping, he called me and my manager in for a private meeting of the whole production team to re-discuss the format of the show, I'm sure she thinks she's got the inside track.

Still, I was totally pissed because the studio where I waited for 6 hours was freezing cold and mr.producer and idiot girl waited the entire time in the makeup room, which was nice and warm with all those lights. My manager even went somewhere else for an hour and I waited all alone there with no one talking to me. Mr.producer had me bring different outfits and no one even asked if I did or checked what I would wear so I did the taping in my street clothes that I wore there. They didn't check to see if my makeup was ok (which, of course, it was because I'm a professional). And he had me memorize stuff beforehand that we didn't even use. I get that it was just a demo taping for the network to re-hash the format of the show so not of these details were really critical (one of the guys we used for the taping is really a production assistant). But all technical problems aside, the whole attitude was total bullshit!

I almost considered just walking out. But my manager, and listen to this carefully because it's good advice, told me to just be calm and let them think I would always be this easy going and ready to accept poor treatment. Why? Because the closer it gets to production time, the less time they have to find someone else, and the more the network believes I'm a part of the project. Which means taking revenge when it comes time to talk money. I'm sure they could still tell I was angry, but I didn't blow up like someone else would have.

Anyway, let's see how this thing goes. Never get your hopes up too early because until all the papers are signed, nothing is for sure. We still have to wait for the network to send the contract for the show, and then I'll have my own contract with the producers to haggle over again and again.

Plus, I need to keep working on this weight! I really wanna be hot by the time this thing gets started. Especially because I don't wanna be the "fat" girl standing next to idiot girls. They're not tough competition at all, and I don't want anyone to have an advantage over me just because she's thinner (even though she's not attractive, I'm sorry I know that's really bitchy but it's true).

I have to walk up the street to the market now to buy lettuce, wheat bread, and smokes.

Rehearsal on Monday

So, the rehearsal taping for this show got moved to Monday. Thank god, at least it gives me some more prep time. I also found out that the show is gonna be on the biggest network live everday just before the news. That also sounds much better, at least during the day they'll have to be more decent about everything and that means less arguing for me.

I went to the dietician today, they did my lpg again but the dietician left early (that bitch). So I didn't get to get wieghed in and she didn't give me my diet for this week yet and I'm still trying to follow last week's. For what it's worth, I think I really did lose some wieght last week.

Things are better with my boyfriend, we're finally gonna see eachother tomorrow and business is picking up on his end too which seems to have pulled him back to normal a bit. Now I'm having big problems with my family. They've basically been supporting this lifestyle of mine for the past year and a half while I try to figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do and have started a pr agency that I'm trying to make work. Maybe under normal circumstances, where I would still be living closer to them and could be financially independant, things would be better. But the more unclear my life becomes the more strict they get. Like, before this time my career choices weren't such an issue. It was like, do what you want as long as you're successful with it. But the more I've been out in the open and had to depend on them, the more they've wanted some order to my life and that now seems to mean working at a desk in some big company with a 401k. We're already barely on speaking terms, and this show thing could push them over the edge.

The good news, if you can call it that, is that with this show becoming a everyday thing and the possibility of a couple pr accounts I might land, it looks like I'll be able to be financially independant. Which means that basically I have the power to make my own decisions. I guess I figure that my parents will just get over it after they see everything is working out. But I really hate having to hurt them, I just wish they could put all of thier worries aside. I am gonna ask though that if this show happens, my mom comes to stay with me for a while. She can be good support, and maybe they won't worry so much when she's with me and can see for herself that everything is good (which I hope it will be).

I'm not saying anything for now, I don't wanna fight about something that isn't sure yet. I gotta do this rehearsal thing on Monday to see if I like the format and really wanna do the show. Then there's money negotiations and the contract signing etc.. I'm totally freaked out! I can't believe I'm gonna be doing this in two days, it's crazy...

New Opportunity!

Okay, so first off, about my diet: still fucking it up. Not totally, but I'm not doing it exactly like I should be either. I don't seem to have gained any weight, but I don't really think I lost either. I know I say this all the time but I really need to start getting my ass in gear.

So another really good reason for me to lose weight: my new opportunity. A few weeks ago an agency I used to model with called me and told me to go to an audition for a tv show, but had no details. They said they wanted a girl who could speak foreign languages and had some dancing/singing talents etc.. I wrote before how I didn't tell any agencies that I gained weight, but they put so much pressure on me to go that I finally said "look, I'm not exactly a size 4 right now so if they want a model let's not all waste our time". But they said just to go and see so I went like at the last possible minute. I was the last girl they saw, and they said they really like me and that they wanted me for the show and that they didn't see anything really wrong in terms of my body that wouldn't look fine on tv. And yes, they saw me in a bathing suit, which took a shitload of pressure because normally they just asked me to strip to my underwear -- by the way, this isn't abnormal or perverted, they really do need to see how your body looks to understand how you will look in skimpy outfits and tight clothes other than your jeans etc..

Anyway, they said it would be a live 2 hour primetime variety show that would aid once a week for 13 episodes the first run and that their contract with the channel wasn't final yet but that when it was, in about a week, they would call me to start rehearsal tapings. Even though I'd been keeping in touch with the producer, after this much time went by I figured it wasn't gonna happen. Not for me, anyway. But the producer called me yesterday and told me to get ready and to have my makeup, hair and some outfits because saturday night we would do a taping.

Oh SHIT!!! Do you know what this means? I had to wax my legs, put a mask on my face and hair, depilatory cream for the arm hairs, gotta go to the salon tomorrow to get my eyebrows underarms and bikini line waxed, manicure and pedicure, keep whitening my teeth, gotta go tan a couple times, and gotta work out the next three days to make sure I'm atleast tight. Plus getting show makeup and hair done on saturday beforehand. Yeah, this stuff takes more prep than you'd think. They're gonna send a car for me Saturday evening, but I don't have a contract signed with them yet, plus I don't know exactly the studio because this rehearsal isn't gonna be on the set at the network. I asked my boyfriend/manager to come with me. It's usually a good idea because the fact is I don't wanna go somewhere alone like this at what is gonna end up being nighttime and end up being forced in some porno. Think it sounds paranoid? Talk to the girls I know.

Plus, my family doesn't know about this yet. I'm gonna have to wait until it's definately time to sign the contract, because I need to catch them when thier mood is good and also I don't know how well they'll take it. It's been a while since I've done this stuff and I think maybe they figure it was all over and I'd settled for my more career-oriented life. Plus, live primetime tv in front of millions of people every week is a bit different than fashion shows and photos.

Anyway, basically I've got a shitload of stuff to think about and do, and I'm totally nervous. Plus, I wanna look really good if I'm gonna finally be getting back into this stuff and people are gonna know who I am again. I can't fuckin' believe it...