ARrgh

I can't believe this! I'm working my ass off and still wieghing in over 65. Oh well, just gotta keep working at it I guess. Seriously, if I don't see any change within the next couple days i really am gonna go back on that juice fast. I've also been thinking about trying the master cleanse, but maple syrup is really hard to find here so I don't know if I can.

Anyway, I woke up late again this morning. Actually I woke up early but fell asleep again. So I've been hanging out at home, I'm gonna have a late lunch now and then get to the gym again. Normally I was supposed to meet a friend tonight, so i was gonna have a couple hours of walking to get there, and I was gonna stop for a bikini wax on the way, but our plans got cancelled so I've decided to hit the gym for the evening classes. I've got a yoga class and a bosu class, plus I figure I'll do an hour of cardio as usual. Plus the walk there and back.

So Red and I are okay, although there are things that piss me off. He just seems so goddamn lazy all the time. It's like, I'm trying to be all active and stuff and he justs sits around. I know that part of it is money though, we're both struggling right now and every time we go out it means we're spending even more. The worst part is that for some reason a bunch of guys who I used to date or used to know have all been calling me lately to go out, and I have to politely refuse all of them saying that i have a boyfriend. Seriously, it's way more difficult being a girl I think. Because it's always the girls who are getting called. I don't think there's a bunch of girls calling my boyfriend all the time (except there is this one model skank who keeps calling him over saying she needs him to take photos of her for her book, i'm gonna kill that bitch). But seriously, it's like they call me to invite me to nice clubs and have me picked up with a chauffeur or go away with them for the weekend. Do you know how difficult it is to refuse that?! Shit, I wanna have fun too. But I really love Red, and there's no way I would cheat on him. If we were in a better position financially he would take me to all those places too, it's not like he doesn't want to. And he gives me a lot more emotionally than anybody else would. I was just really pissed because he was gonna come over yesterday and i told him i was working out and to bring the tennis rackets and come to the club so we could play and he didn't want to because he's a lazy ass.

I also called the producer yesterday in a fit of anger after arguing with Red, and I was just like "hey, be straight, what is the deal here?!" I was like, the dates keep getting pushed back, i keep waiting to hear from you but I never do, so wtf? And he told me, in all sincerity that they really have been working hard and that everything they're discussing is with the network. So then I was like "are you guys still wanting to work with me or not?" and he said that they were but that there are so many technical things still that they haven't been able to get to that stage yet. I was like "you know, I turned down 2 job offers because this was supposed to happen" and he was just like, look I'm really stressed too but believe me we're working on it and i promise i will call you the moment that something developes. So basically i'm satisfied because I can't really ask for a more honest answer than that.

The truth is that I don't just wanna keep waiting for this show, I actually wanna start exploring other opportunities too. I mean, if there's another show or something or more modeling work I won't just sit around. But the fact is that I will need new pics and to go back to my old agencies again and even though I've improved I still shouldn't go looking like this, just like 5 more kg's and then I can start making the rounds. When I drop down to 60 I'll start working again, 55 will be ideal, and my ultimate goal is 52.