Things are really starting to get better! I lost 1.1 kgs last week, which is a big improvement for a short time. Aside from the dieting and working out, I've been walking everywhere possible. I think I average about 4 hours a day of just walking now. I also posted my new diet for this week below.
The producer called me Friday, saying that the network accepted the show and we would start around June 10th! I can't believe this. It's so close! Okay, so on a good note I have been losing weight, but with the air date so soon I really need to lose more. I'm really gonna have to focus on my working out because even when you don't lose a lot of wieght looking toned can make all the difference. All that's left now is to meet for my negotiations and contract. Before I was gonna explode from the excitement of not knowing, now I'm just getting impatient. I want everything to be set on paper already!
I also had a facial with my lpg and massage saturday, it was great. Even if your skin is fine, I definately recommend getting a facial around the time the seasons change, the differences in the humidity and temperature can really stress your skin.
Shit, there's actually so much I would need to do before this thing like go tanning, get my hair highlighted and cut, maybe some collagen in my lips (?? I'm so envious it looks great on some girls my lips are huge but maybe just 1/2cc in each lip?), getting my leg and underarm and bikini line lazered before summer would be great too. Dammit I need money!!! People seriously don't get how expensive it is for a woman to look good, regardless of how naturally beautiful she is. Professional models have to do all this shit, plus get thier teeth whitened, some get botox, regular manicures and pedicures and waxing, facials and they all have personal trainers and dieticians plus they still get thier photos airbrushed! Speaking of photos when I lose a little more weight I'm gonna need a more current portfolio...
Other than that everything is pretty boring. My boyfriend and I are back on track now, and my family still doesn't know about the show so they're still on me about my career choices and what I plan to do. I've been really lazy about work in general since I'm counting on this show to change everything.
Okay, time for a smoke.
May 23, 2007
May 19, 2007
I can't believe it!
YES! For once everything is going right. Okay, so first off I've been following my diet pretty damn closely and even more I've been walking everywhere like a crazy person. Seriously, I probably walked for like, 4 hours yesterday. And I'm not counting the time that I'm walking around in the mall or anything, I'm talking serious fast walking outside from one place to another. I've been doing this for a few days now and I can practically feel the fat melting off my body. Everywhere is sore, but I don't care.
I'm going to the dietician in an hour (yea, massage!) and I know I've lost more weight this week so we'll see what the official results are soon.
Anyway, I really need to keep up this speed since I just found out last night that the network approved the show!!! We should start around the second week of next month. Oh my god, I can't believe this is seriously happening. I have such high hopes about this, but of course I'm trying to play it cool in front of people. I still haven't told my parents, I'm waiting for the actual contract to be in my hands ready for me to sign before I say anything.
Oh, and I have a bunny now. It was a moment of weakness as I was walking by the pet store.
I'm going to the dietician in an hour (yea, massage!) and I know I've lost more weight this week so we'll see what the official results are soon.
Anyway, I really need to keep up this speed since I just found out last night that the network approved the show!!! We should start around the second week of next month. Oh my god, I can't believe this is seriously happening. I have such high hopes about this, but of course I'm trying to play it cool in front of people. I still haven't told my parents, I'm waiting for the actual contract to be in my hands ready for me to sign before I say anything.
Oh, and I have a bunny now. It was a moment of weakness as I was walking by the pet store.
May 16, 2007
Waiting
I got my diet for this week again (see below). I haven't been going to the gym like I should, but I've basically been walking for miles everyday. It's great exercise and yeah, I'm broke.
I haven't been online a lot lately, I've been running around too much. I had a couple of job interviews for "real" jobs. Just in case things don't work out the way I want them to. The pr work is kinda slow, and I can still do it but I need some steady income or I'm gonna have to move back home with my parents since they keep getting more and more pissed off as time goes by.
Hopefully I won't even need to consider those other jobs, our demo tape was supposed to go to the network yesterday, and now I'm just waiting for an answer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. This could really be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A friend of a friend is a writer for a couple of other similar shows and he met with me last week. He said that this would be great just to get my name out again and that if I did, he could line up a couple of other projects for me really easily.
As for the money, the producer did mention a number a couple of weeks ago before we took the demo but it was rediculously low for a project like this. Under normal circumstances I should get around 3 times as much. But, again wise words for my manager, I'm not bringing it up at all. When it comes time to sign the contract, I leave the haggling to my manager. As for the problems I was having with the producer/host, I mentioned it to the director and he told me not to worry and that the people who are really making the decisions (like him) all like me and really wanna work with me and that it's typical spoiled behavior on the producer's part and to just not let him get away with it. So I guess that's solved.
How long do I have to wait?!?!?! THIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY!!!! I need a cigarette...
I haven't been online a lot lately, I've been running around too much. I had a couple of job interviews for "real" jobs. Just in case things don't work out the way I want them to. The pr work is kinda slow, and I can still do it but I need some steady income or I'm gonna have to move back home with my parents since they keep getting more and more pissed off as time goes by.
Hopefully I won't even need to consider those other jobs, our demo tape was supposed to go to the network yesterday, and now I'm just waiting for an answer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. This could really be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A friend of a friend is a writer for a couple of other similar shows and he met with me last week. He said that this would be great just to get my name out again and that if I did, he could line up a couple of other projects for me really easily.
As for the money, the producer did mention a number a couple of weeks ago before we took the demo but it was rediculously low for a project like this. Under normal circumstances I should get around 3 times as much. But, again wise words for my manager, I'm not bringing it up at all. When it comes time to sign the contract, I leave the haggling to my manager. As for the problems I was having with the producer/host, I mentioned it to the director and he told me not to worry and that the people who are really making the decisions (like him) all like me and really wanna work with me and that it's typical spoiled behavior on the producer's part and to just not let him get away with it. So I guess that's solved.
How long do I have to wait?!?!?! THIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY!!!! I need a cigarette...
May 8, 2007
Rehearsal Taping Yesterday
First off...good news about the wieght! I'm down to 66.4kg now, so I'm steadily dropping. (The photo is from before). Woohoo!
I'm so tired today! I experienced all the not so glamorous parts of the business yesterday. I had to get my ass up at 7:30 so I could make sure to have an early (small) breakfast, get all my show makeup on since they weren't gonna have a makeup artist on set, and choose which outfits to take with me. I got to the hair stylist at 10 and was on-set at 11 as planned. Unfortunately, nothing was ready and even though there was no decor since we did all our shooting in front of a green-screen (there's no real set yet since production is still in the works and it hasn't been designed) but we had two mic's and both didn't work. It was 5pm by the time they got there!! It was almost 6 by the time we started shooting. As if that wasn't bad enough, on the part where I did the most speaking the host kept fucking up by skipping the same thing over and over. And once we got that part right, it turned out that his mic wasn't recording properly so we had to do it all over!!! Then, we found out that another part we did later was totally useless because the tape finished halfway through and the dumbass cameraman didn't realize it! By this time, it was almost midnight and we were cutting for a food break. Meaning some bread, cheese, and tomato. It was 1:30 in the morning by the time I got out of there.
As if all this wasn't bad enough, the producer/host, who has been really great to me until this point was being an ass yesterday, I think he was trying to show off because of another girl in the show (seriously an idiot) who I guess is also his "girlfriend" although he was calling me out to a club with him two nights ago (which I refused) . Again, this is all fun for her now because he's showing her some attention, but the sad part is that if and when this thing starts for real, she's got a lot of disappointment waiting for her. I almost feel like I should warn her but then I'm gonna look like and idiot because I'm sure she'll take my warning to mean I'm jealous (we all believe what we want to). For example, she's also not aware of the fact that just Sunday night, before the taping, he called me and my manager in for a private meeting of the whole production team to re-discuss the format of the show, I'm sure she thinks she's got the inside track.
Still, I was totally pissed because the studio where I waited for 6 hours was freezing cold and mr.producer and idiot girl waited the entire time in the makeup room, which was nice and warm with all those lights. My manager even went somewhere else for an hour and I waited all alone there with no one talking to me. Mr.producer had me bring different outfits and no one even asked if I did or checked what I would wear so I did the taping in my street clothes that I wore there. They didn't check to see if my makeup was ok (which, of course, it was because I'm a professional). And he had me memorize stuff beforehand that we didn't even use. I get that it was just a demo taping for the network to re-hash the format of the show so not of these details were really critical (one of the guys we used for the taping is really a production assistant). But all technical problems aside, the whole attitude was total bullshit!
I almost considered just walking out. But my manager, and listen to this carefully because it's good advice, told me to just be calm and let them think I would always be this easy going and ready to accept poor treatment. Why? Because the closer it gets to production time, the less time they have to find someone else, and the more the network believes I'm a part of the project. Which means taking revenge when it comes time to talk money. I'm sure they could still tell I was angry, but I didn't blow up like someone else would have.
Anyway, let's see how this thing goes. Never get your hopes up too early because until all the papers are signed, nothing is for sure. We still have to wait for the network to send the contract for the show, and then I'll have my own contract with the producers to haggle over again and again.
Plus, I need to keep working on this weight! I really wanna be hot by the time this thing gets started. Especially because I don't wanna be the "fat" girl standing next to idiot girls. They're not tough competition at all, and I don't want anyone to have an advantage over me just because she's thinner (even though she's not attractive, I'm sorry I know that's really bitchy but it's true).
I have to walk up the street to the market now to buy lettuce, wheat bread, and smokes.
I'm so tired today! I experienced all the not so glamorous parts of the business yesterday. I had to get my ass up at 7:30 so I could make sure to have an early (small) breakfast, get all my show makeup on since they weren't gonna have a makeup artist on set, and choose which outfits to take with me. I got to the hair stylist at 10 and was on-set at 11 as planned. Unfortunately, nothing was ready and even though there was no decor since we did all our shooting in front of a green-screen (there's no real set yet since production is still in the works and it hasn't been designed) but we had two mic's and both didn't work. It was 5pm by the time they got there!! It was almost 6 by the time we started shooting. As if that wasn't bad enough, on the part where I did the most speaking the host kept fucking up by skipping the same thing over and over. And once we got that part right, it turned out that his mic wasn't recording properly so we had to do it all over!!! Then, we found out that another part we did later was totally useless because the tape finished halfway through and the dumbass cameraman didn't realize it! By this time, it was almost midnight and we were cutting for a food break. Meaning some bread, cheese, and tomato. It was 1:30 in the morning by the time I got out of there.
As if all this wasn't bad enough, the producer/host, who has been really great to me until this point was being an ass yesterday, I think he was trying to show off because of another girl in the show (seriously an idiot) who I guess is also his "girlfriend" although he was calling me out to a club with him two nights ago (which I refused) . Again, this is all fun for her now because he's showing her some attention, but the sad part is that if and when this thing starts for real, she's got a lot of disappointment waiting for her. I almost feel like I should warn her but then I'm gonna look like and idiot because I'm sure she'll take my warning to mean I'm jealous (we all believe what we want to). For example, she's also not aware of the fact that just Sunday night, before the taping, he called me and my manager in for a private meeting of the whole production team to re-discuss the format of the show, I'm sure she thinks she's got the inside track.
Still, I was totally pissed because the studio where I waited for 6 hours was freezing cold and mr.producer and idiot girl waited the entire time in the makeup room, which was nice and warm with all those lights. My manager even went somewhere else for an hour and I waited all alone there with no one talking to me. Mr.producer had me bring different outfits and no one even asked if I did or checked what I would wear so I did the taping in my street clothes that I wore there. They didn't check to see if my makeup was ok (which, of course, it was because I'm a professional). And he had me memorize stuff beforehand that we didn't even use. I get that it was just a demo taping for the network to re-hash the format of the show so not of these details were really critical (one of the guys we used for the taping is really a production assistant). But all technical problems aside, the whole attitude was total bullshit!
I almost considered just walking out. But my manager, and listen to this carefully because it's good advice, told me to just be calm and let them think I would always be this easy going and ready to accept poor treatment. Why? Because the closer it gets to production time, the less time they have to find someone else, and the more the network believes I'm a part of the project. Which means taking revenge when it comes time to talk money. I'm sure they could still tell I was angry, but I didn't blow up like someone else would have.
Anyway, let's see how this thing goes. Never get your hopes up too early because until all the papers are signed, nothing is for sure. We still have to wait for the network to send the contract for the show, and then I'll have my own contract with the producers to haggle over again and again.
Plus, I need to keep working on this weight! I really wanna be hot by the time this thing gets started. Especially because I don't wanna be the "fat" girl standing next to idiot girls. They're not tough competition at all, and I don't want anyone to have an advantage over me just because she's thinner (even though she's not attractive, I'm sorry I know that's really bitchy but it's true).
I have to walk up the street to the market now to buy lettuce, wheat bread, and smokes.
May 6, 2007
Rehearsal on Monday
So, the rehearsal taping for this show got moved to Monday. Thank god, at least it gives me some more prep time. I also found out that the show is gonna be on the biggest network live everday just before the news. That also sounds much better, at least during the day they'll have to be more decent about everything and that means less arguing for me.
I went to the dietician today, they did my lpg again but the dietician left early (that bitch). So I didn't get to get wieghed in and she didn't give me my diet for this week yet and I'm still trying to follow last week's. For what it's worth, I think I really did lose some wieght last week.
Things are better with my boyfriend, we're finally gonna see eachother tomorrow and business is picking up on his end too which seems to have pulled him back to normal a bit. Now I'm having big problems with my family. They've basically been supporting this lifestyle of mine for the past year and a half while I try to figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do and have started a pr agency that I'm trying to make work. Maybe under normal circumstances, where I would still be living closer to them and could be financially independant, things would be better. But the more unclear my life becomes the more strict they get. Like, before this time my career choices weren't such an issue. It was like, do what you want as long as you're successful with it. But the more I've been out in the open and had to depend on them, the more they've wanted some order to my life and that now seems to mean working at a desk in some big company with a 401k. We're already barely on speaking terms, and this show thing could push them over the edge.
The good news, if you can call it that, is that with this show becoming a everyday thing and the possibility of a couple pr accounts I might land, it looks like I'll be able to be financially independant. Which means that basically I have the power to make my own decisions. I guess I figure that my parents will just get over it after they see everything is working out. But I really hate having to hurt them, I just wish they could put all of thier worries aside. I am gonna ask though that if this show happens, my mom comes to stay with me for a while. She can be good support, and maybe they won't worry so much when she's with me and can see for herself that everything is good (which I hope it will be).
I'm not saying anything for now, I don't wanna fight about something that isn't sure yet. I gotta do this rehearsal thing on Monday to see if I like the format and really wanna do the show. Then there's money negotiations and the contract signing etc.. I'm totally freaked out! I can't believe I'm gonna be doing this in two days, it's crazy...
I went to the dietician today, they did my lpg again but the dietician left early (that bitch). So I didn't get to get wieghed in and she didn't give me my diet for this week yet and I'm still trying to follow last week's. For what it's worth, I think I really did lose some wieght last week.
Things are better with my boyfriend, we're finally gonna see eachother tomorrow and business is picking up on his end too which seems to have pulled him back to normal a bit. Now I'm having big problems with my family. They've basically been supporting this lifestyle of mine for the past year and a half while I try to figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do and have started a pr agency that I'm trying to make work. Maybe under normal circumstances, where I would still be living closer to them and could be financially independant, things would be better. But the more unclear my life becomes the more strict they get. Like, before this time my career choices weren't such an issue. It was like, do what you want as long as you're successful with it. But the more I've been out in the open and had to depend on them, the more they've wanted some order to my life and that now seems to mean working at a desk in some big company with a 401k. We're already barely on speaking terms, and this show thing could push them over the edge.
The good news, if you can call it that, is that with this show becoming a everyday thing and the possibility of a couple pr accounts I might land, it looks like I'll be able to be financially independant. Which means that basically I have the power to make my own decisions. I guess I figure that my parents will just get over it after they see everything is working out. But I really hate having to hurt them, I just wish they could put all of thier worries aside. I am gonna ask though that if this show happens, my mom comes to stay with me for a while. She can be good support, and maybe they won't worry so much when she's with me and can see for herself that everything is good (which I hope it will be).
I'm not saying anything for now, I don't wanna fight about something that isn't sure yet. I gotta do this rehearsal thing on Monday to see if I like the format and really wanna do the show. Then there's money negotiations and the contract signing etc.. I'm totally freaked out! I can't believe I'm gonna be doing this in two days, it's crazy...
May 3, 2007
New Opportunity!
Okay, so first off, about my diet: still fucking it up. Not totally, but I'm not doing it exactly like I should be either. I don't seem to have gained any weight, but I don't really think I lost either. I know I say this all the time but I really need to start getting my ass in gear.
So another really good reason for me to lose weight: my new opportunity. A few weeks ago an agency I used to model with called me and told me to go to an audition for a tv show, but had no details. They said they wanted a girl who could speak foreign languages and had some dancing/singing talents etc.. I wrote before how I didn't tell any agencies that I gained weight, but they put so much pressure on me to go that I finally said "look, I'm not exactly a size 4 right now so if they want a model let's not all waste our time". But they said just to go and see so I went like at the last possible minute. I was the last girl they saw, and they said they really like me and that they wanted me for the show and that they didn't see anything really wrong in terms of my body that wouldn't look fine on tv. And yes, they saw me in a bathing suit, which took a shitload of pressure because normally they just asked me to strip to my underwear -- by the way, this isn't abnormal or perverted, they really do need to see how your body looks to understand how you will look in skimpy outfits and tight clothes other than your jeans etc..
Anyway, they said it would be a live 2 hour primetime variety show that would aid once a week for 13 episodes the first run and that their contract with the channel wasn't final yet but that when it was, in about a week, they would call me to start rehearsal tapings. Even though I'd been keeping in touch with the producer, after this much time went by I figured it wasn't gonna happen. Not for me, anyway. But the producer called me yesterday and told me to get ready and to have my makeup, hair and some outfits because saturday night we would do a taping.
Oh SHIT!!! Do you know what this means? I had to wax my legs, put a mask on my face and hair, depilatory cream for the arm hairs, gotta go to the salon tomorrow to get my eyebrows underarms and bikini line waxed, manicure and pedicure, keep whitening my teeth, gotta go tan a couple times, and gotta work out the next three days to make sure I'm atleast tight. Plus getting show makeup and hair done on saturday beforehand. Yeah, this stuff takes more prep than you'd think. They're gonna send a car for me Saturday evening, but I don't have a contract signed with them yet, plus I don't know exactly the studio because this rehearsal isn't gonna be on the set at the network. I asked my boyfriend/manager to come with me. It's usually a good idea because the fact is I don't wanna go somewhere alone like this at what is gonna end up being nighttime and end up being forced in some porno. Think it sounds paranoid? Talk to the girls I know.
Plus, my family doesn't know about this yet. I'm gonna have to wait until it's definately time to sign the contract, because I need to catch them when thier mood is good and also I don't know how well they'll take it. It's been a while since I've done this stuff and I think maybe they figure it was all over and I'd settled for my more career-oriented life. Plus, live primetime tv in front of millions of people every week is a bit different than fashion shows and photos.
Anyway, basically I've got a shitload of stuff to think about and do, and I'm totally nervous. Plus, I wanna look really good if I'm gonna finally be getting back into this stuff and people are gonna know who I am again. I can't fuckin' believe it...
So another really good reason for me to lose weight: my new opportunity. A few weeks ago an agency I used to model with called me and told me to go to an audition for a tv show, but had no details. They said they wanted a girl who could speak foreign languages and had some dancing/singing talents etc.. I wrote before how I didn't tell any agencies that I gained weight, but they put so much pressure on me to go that I finally said "look, I'm not exactly a size 4 right now so if they want a model let's not all waste our time". But they said just to go and see so I went like at the last possible minute. I was the last girl they saw, and they said they really like me and that they wanted me for the show and that they didn't see anything really wrong in terms of my body that wouldn't look fine on tv. And yes, they saw me in a bathing suit, which took a shitload of pressure because normally they just asked me to strip to my underwear -- by the way, this isn't abnormal or perverted, they really do need to see how your body looks to understand how you will look in skimpy outfits and tight clothes other than your jeans etc..
Anyway, they said it would be a live 2 hour primetime variety show that would aid once a week for 13 episodes the first run and that their contract with the channel wasn't final yet but that when it was, in about a week, they would call me to start rehearsal tapings. Even though I'd been keeping in touch with the producer, after this much time went by I figured it wasn't gonna happen. Not for me, anyway. But the producer called me yesterday and told me to get ready and to have my makeup, hair and some outfits because saturday night we would do a taping.
Oh SHIT!!! Do you know what this means? I had to wax my legs, put a mask on my face and hair, depilatory cream for the arm hairs, gotta go to the salon tomorrow to get my eyebrows underarms and bikini line waxed, manicure and pedicure, keep whitening my teeth, gotta go tan a couple times, and gotta work out the next three days to make sure I'm atleast tight. Plus getting show makeup and hair done on saturday beforehand. Yeah, this stuff takes more prep than you'd think. They're gonna send a car for me Saturday evening, but I don't have a contract signed with them yet, plus I don't know exactly the studio because this rehearsal isn't gonna be on the set at the network. I asked my boyfriend/manager to come with me. It's usually a good idea because the fact is I don't wanna go somewhere alone like this at what is gonna end up being nighttime and end up being forced in some porno. Think it sounds paranoid? Talk to the girls I know.
Plus, my family doesn't know about this yet. I'm gonna have to wait until it's definately time to sign the contract, because I need to catch them when thier mood is good and also I don't know how well they'll take it. It's been a while since I've done this stuff and I think maybe they figure it was all over and I'd settled for my more career-oriented life. Plus, live primetime tv in front of millions of people every week is a bit different than fashion shows and photos.
Anyway, basically I've got a shitload of stuff to think about and do, and I'm totally nervous. Plus, I wanna look really good if I'm gonna finally be getting back into this stuff and people are gonna know who I am again. I can't fuckin' believe it...
Apr 30, 2007
Hating Someone You Love
So, I was hanging out with my model friends again today. The day went great although I'm kinda fucking up my diet. Not really, I mean I'm not overdoing it but I'm not following the program exactly either. So anyway, today was great because I made some more good business contacts and had fun with the girls. I spoke to my "boyfriend" -- no, he didn't call me, I called him but it was for something related to business. He was totally flirting me, and talking like nothing happened. But even though I let him know I was angry with him, he was totally laughing and sounded really happy to talk to me.
So we went out to a club tonight (yet another business contact) and we had a great time. Since I talked to my boyfriend today and it was like things were getting back to normal, I just really wanted to talk to him when we got back to the hotel. Okay, so it was 2am but he alwasys calls me and I've called him before but it's never been a problem. So when he asked where I am I said I'm "out" since I'm technically staying at the hotel with my model friends. And then he got all pissy and said it was too late and that instead of slumming around outside I should have called him at a "more reasonable" time and that he was watching tv and was too tired to talk to me. Of course this totally pissed me off and I told him to stop treating me like I was somebody he met yesterday or that I'm just a business contact or something. Anyway, as you can imagine that this conversation went on like this for a while and ended up with me crying and sending him a shitty message. I'm totally pissed.
Anyway, I can't believe it but the more this happens the more I feel motivated to also lose weight and start my modelling and become really successful in work too, just to make him see me and feel like shit for treating me like this. Is there such a thing as self-improvement for revenge? There should be, I think. This is a new concept we should explore. I want to be better for me (and yes, I do believe that appearnaces on the outside make you a better person because they reflect hard work and a desire for success) and to be better just to make him or anybody else who ever was able to make me feel bad about myself feel like a total moron. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, I do. But I want to be kind of indimidating in my success and self-confidence too. I want to make him think twice about being like this with me. Maybe it won't make any difference, but at least it's motivation for me now.
So we went out to a club tonight (yet another business contact) and we had a great time. Since I talked to my boyfriend today and it was like things were getting back to normal, I just really wanted to talk to him when we got back to the hotel. Okay, so it was 2am but he alwasys calls me and I've called him before but it's never been a problem. So when he asked where I am I said I'm "out" since I'm technically staying at the hotel with my model friends. And then he got all pissy and said it was too late and that instead of slumming around outside I should have called him at a "more reasonable" time and that he was watching tv and was too tired to talk to me. Of course this totally pissed me off and I told him to stop treating me like I was somebody he met yesterday or that I'm just a business contact or something. Anyway, as you can imagine that this conversation went on like this for a while and ended up with me crying and sending him a shitty message. I'm totally pissed.
Anyway, I can't believe it but the more this happens the more I feel motivated to also lose weight and start my modelling and become really successful in work too, just to make him see me and feel like shit for treating me like this. Is there such a thing as self-improvement for revenge? There should be, I think. This is a new concept we should explore. I want to be better for me (and yes, I do believe that appearnaces on the outside make you a better person because they reflect hard work and a desire for success) and to be better just to make him or anybody else who ever was able to make me feel bad about myself feel like a total moron. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, I do. But I want to be kind of indimidating in my success and self-confidence too. I want to make him think twice about being like this with me. Maybe it won't make any difference, but at least it's motivation for me now.
Apr 28, 2007
Is My Boyfriend Breaking Up With Me?
So I forgot to tell you all, it's really been a blessing that my friend is visiting this week, because after the first night she and I hung out, I spoke to my boyfriend. He's an entertainment reporter (we met when he came to a press-conference of mine) and he's also my current business partner. So the conversation wasn't good. He's been having a rough time lately, business is slow and his mom's been sick so he's had to stay at home a lot to take care of her. We hadn't seen each other for almost three weeks when we had this conversation and in that time it was like I was always the one calling him. Three weeks is really a long time for us because we're normally together all the time, since we work together too and he stays some night with me.
He's really sweet and we don't have any problems fighting or anything, we always seem to have a good time when we're together. He's been with me through my really bad times too, and it was hard when I left for 7 months because I broke up with him during that time just because of my own stuff in my head. But we got back together when I came back, he told me he still wanted to be with me.
Anyway, everything was fine except that we couldn't see eachother and I know he's always at home because he's always on msn. He's been really depressed and I called him again but it's like when I call he doesn't really talk and I feel like I'm annoying him or something. So I told him this, and that's I'm upset because even when I feel bad and I don't want to talk to anyone I still want to talk to him because hearing his voice makes me feel better and that's how he should feel about me too. But he told me that he really doesn't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, and the "it's not me, it's him". He says that he's not breaking up with me, but that he just needs "some time". What the fuck does that mean?! To me, taking a break is the first step to breaking up. But he says he waited for me for 7 months and now I can wait for him a little (guilt trip).
The worst part about having problems with myself is that when shit like this happens, my self confidence gets even more fucked than normal. I think to myself "If I was thinner and more beautiful now he would love me more." Okay, I know how many people are thinking that's pathetic, and maybe it is, but it's just the way I am. I'm not saying he's perfect, but it's him who wants to "take some time" away from me. But for some reason, yeah I cried a lot, it was still motivation for me. Like, it makes me want to be better. Not necessarily for him, but for myself. So that nobody can make me feel this way. Anyway, I told him that if this was what he wanted, I would give it to him. In fact, I said that I would fuck the first guy I saw and make it easy on him to break up with me completely. I know, that was childish, but I was hurt. It's been almost 4 days since we talked, and he hasn't called yet. I'm purposely not calling him (to give him "time") and I blocked him on msn just so he can worry about me and call me like he should. Basically, you get it, I'm feeling pretty shitty...
He's really sweet and we don't have any problems fighting or anything, we always seem to have a good time when we're together. He's been with me through my really bad times too, and it was hard when I left for 7 months because I broke up with him during that time just because of my own stuff in my head. But we got back together when I came back, he told me he still wanted to be with me.
Anyway, everything was fine except that we couldn't see eachother and I know he's always at home because he's always on msn. He's been really depressed and I called him again but it's like when I call he doesn't really talk and I feel like I'm annoying him or something. So I told him this, and that's I'm upset because even when I feel bad and I don't want to talk to anyone I still want to talk to him because hearing his voice makes me feel better and that's how he should feel about me too. But he told me that he really doesn't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, and the "it's not me, it's him". He says that he's not breaking up with me, but that he just needs "some time". What the fuck does that mean?! To me, taking a break is the first step to breaking up. But he says he waited for me for 7 months and now I can wait for him a little (guilt trip).
The worst part about having problems with myself is that when shit like this happens, my self confidence gets even more fucked than normal. I think to myself "If I was thinner and more beautiful now he would love me more." Okay, I know how many people are thinking that's pathetic, and maybe it is, but it's just the way I am. I'm not saying he's perfect, but it's him who wants to "take some time" away from me. But for some reason, yeah I cried a lot, it was still motivation for me. Like, it makes me want to be better. Not necessarily for him, but for myself. So that nobody can make me feel this way. Anyway, I told him that if this was what he wanted, I would give it to him. In fact, I said that I would fuck the first guy I saw and make it easy on him to break up with me completely. I know, that was childish, but I was hurt. It's been almost 4 days since we talked, and he hasn't called yet. I'm purposely not calling him (to give him "time") and I blocked him on msn just so he can worry about me and call me like he should. Basically, you get it, I'm feeling pretty shitty...
Time with Miss Morocco, Dietician Appointment
So even though she's staying close by, I've been staying with my model friend from Morocco at her hotel. She and the other 4 models she came with have been really nice, and I've been spending all my time with them. The people who planned the organization seem to like me too, and it's been a really good opportunity to meet people (like the designer and sponsors) since they've been letting me participate in all of the events and hang out backstage at the shows. I haven't gotten much sleep but it's been worth it but it's true that when I see the girls I do feel really envious! I wish I could still be traveling around to do shows, I miss that life. And they're all so skinny! I can't believe I used wiegh less than them!!! Argh...they look so slim and beautiful and I feel like a cow :( By the way girls, they DO eat. In fact they eat everything, from hamburgers to deserts. But they don't overdo it! I'm noticing that they're not deprived of anything, but they always leave something on thier plate. That's how I used to be too. The point is not to let yourself get overwhelmed by food and lose control. Of course this is how they stay so skinny. Getting there is another story, then you have to keep eating salad like me...
Which brings me to my dietician appointment today. The semi-good news is that I did lose half a kg this past week (about 1 lb.) which is still an improvement. The shitty part is that my dietician says that with this diet I should be losing wayyyy more. Okay, I'll be honest, thanks to my model friends who still want me to taste everything they eat, I didn't follow the plan this week exactly. But she says that even someone who's eating more than what's on the plan should still be losing more wieght than I did. Oh well, it's a start, right? We're back to the first week's plan, she hopes that now that I've lost a little, I'll lose a lot more this week. And I really do need to be working out everyday, not just twice like I did last week. Besides, I need to get to the next part of my workout so I can tell you all what it is! Wish me luck...
Which brings me to my dietician appointment today. The semi-good news is that I did lose half a kg this past week (about 1 lb.) which is still an improvement. The shitty part is that my dietician says that with this diet I should be losing wayyyy more. Okay, I'll be honest, thanks to my model friends who still want me to taste everything they eat, I didn't follow the plan this week exactly. But she says that even someone who's eating more than what's on the plan should still be losing more wieght than I did. Oh well, it's a start, right? We're back to the first week's plan, she hopes that now that I've lost a little, I'll lose a lot more this week. And I really do need to be working out everyday, not just twice like I did last week. Besides, I need to get to the next part of my workout so I can tell you all what it is! Wish me luck...
Apr 24, 2007
Last night
So I did meet my friend last night, and it was amazing to see her. She's apparently here for 10 days for a serious of fashion shows which I didn't even realize (again, I wish I could be doing shows too; that envy is kicking in). It turns out she's had a rough year too, only the stress has made her thinner than ever! But seriously, it was like she never left and she has always been good at understanding me so it was nice to have her to talk too about this stuff again. Another friend of mine is a famous sports journalist on tv and I haven't seen him in over a year either. Again, it's just because I've been too embarassed to see anyone from that crowd. Anyway, I took up the courage to see him again because he's been calling me to have coffee since I got back in town a couple of months ago. The three of us went out to dinner, and I have to say I was very proud of myself because I really stuck to my diet even though he was trying to tempt me to go for mexican! (We ended up going to a seafood restaurant so I could have grilled fish and salad instead). I was totally open and honest about being on a diet, I'm not trying to hide it anymore because my social life has also almost completely vanished because of all this. I'm sick of being ashamed. Even my girl told me how proud she was to see that I was being stubborn. I haven't been able to go work out since Saturday though, which sucks and I really need to kick myself in the ass about that. Tomorrow is lpg/massage day, yea! :)
Apr 23, 2007
An Unexpected Visitor...
Hi everybody,
So I got a telephone call about an hour ago from Miss Morocco from the international competition. She and Miss Italy had come and stayed with me for a while afterward. It turns out she loved it so much here that she and her family are coming for a vacation for ten days -- starting tonight!!! She says she can't wait to see me.
I'm obviously really happy and excited because I've missed her but I'm also sad...I would have loved to be skinny again and modelling and have a lot to tell her about. But instead all I've done since we saw eachother last was gain more wieght, lose some again, run away from the city for 7 months, and now try to get my life back together. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, argh!!! I'm so embarassed she's gonna see me like this, even though I know she doesn't care what I look like. Oh well, c'est la vie...
So I got a telephone call about an hour ago from Miss Morocco from the international competition. She and Miss Italy had come and stayed with me for a while afterward. It turns out she loved it so much here that she and her family are coming for a vacation for ten days -- starting tonight!!! She says she can't wait to see me.
I'm obviously really happy and excited because I've missed her but I'm also sad...I would have loved to be skinny again and modelling and have a lot to tell her about. But instead all I've done since we saw eachother last was gain more wieght, lose some again, run away from the city for 7 months, and now try to get my life back together. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, argh!!! I'm so embarassed she's gonna see me like this, even though I know she doesn't care what I look like. Oh well, c'est la vie...
Apr 21, 2007
I've been good today
So I had my appointment with my dietician today. This will be my second week in the program. I meet with the dietician once a week and she makes a meal plan for the week (you can see it just under the blogs). I go to the center twice a week though because I also have two 45 minutes massage sessions and 2 45 minute lpg session a week. The massage is specifically to get rid of excess water and helps get toxins and fat out of the body quicker while the lpg helps with cellulite and fat. So i went yesterday and got my new diet for the week.
The bad news is that I didn't really lost any wieght the first week :( And I actually followed the program and went to work out twice! Oh well, I hope this week will be better. She gave me a more protien-based program this week to help charge my metabolism.
Afterward I walked to the gym (about a 10 minutes) and then I did an hour of cardio that the trainer gave me (also seen below). After THAT, I walked home which was about another 20 minutes of walking. I hope all this stuff I'm doing will give me better results this week or I'm gonna be pissed!
The bad news is that I didn't really lost any wieght the first week :( And I actually followed the program and went to work out twice! Oh well, I hope this week will be better. She gave me a more protien-based program this week to help charge my metabolism.
Afterward I walked to the gym (about a 10 minutes) and then I did an hour of cardio that the trainer gave me (also seen below). After THAT, I walked home which was about another 20 minutes of walking. I hope all this stuff I'm doing will give me better results this week or I'm gonna be pissed!
Apr 20, 2007
For those of you reading this...
First of all, I'd like to thank you guys who have started visiting here. Please keep coming, I know there's not much now (although there are many great pics). I'm going to keep adding in the next few days, spring/summer fashion, more diets and recipes, workouts, modeling agency info, and a lot more links to similar stuff. And of course, I'm gonna keep posting on what I've been doing. I really appreciate any support, I made this blog because I need some extra motivation too. Just wanted to say thanks...
Apr 19, 2007
The Beginning...
It sucks to know that you lost an opportunity for something great because of reasons that were not it your control. That's basically what happened to me. Even though I'd been doing some local modelling in college, all of a sudden I got a professional agency in Europe, I won a national competition and went to to compete internationally. I got to wear a crown, I was in newspapers and on tv. I actually had a press event. Don't be mistaken, this was not beauty-pageant work either. This was for professionals, and I was starting to get good work. I thought how much I deserved this after all of the problems I'd had with my health.
I can't be more thankful that my health is good now, I wouldn't trade that for anything after everything I've been through. But the price I paid is that I gained a lot of wieght just when I was becoming a known model. But so what, right? I mean, I'm strong, I figured I'd just buckle down and lose the wieght. I'd never had a problem with food before, and I loved working out so no problem. Some friends even nicknamed me 'skinny'. I was a size 2!! Except that after two months of working out just before the competition, plus five sessions with a dietician, I barely lost 2kg. Which I gained back almost the second I boarded the plane for the competition.
The competition itinerary lasted a month, that we were in a foreign country, and we were working almost 24/7. We would get on a bus and drive for hours not having any idea where we were, doing a fashion show, driving more, doing an appearance, etc.. So glamorous, right? We were barely eating and I still gained 7 kg just in that month.
I know that it sounds like at that rate I would just keep gaining until I exploded. But eventually it stopped at a high of 75 kgs, and I was a size 12. By this point I didn't want to work out, I would eat because I was already "fat" and I didn't want to do anything.
Eventually I was so depressed that I decided to just run away and leave the city for two weeks, which turned into 7 months. Over the summer all of a sudden I noticed that I was starting to slim down, even though I was still eating a lot and not working out. I dropped down to 70 kgs by New Year's (down to a loose 10), and I found out from my doctor that it takes A LOT of time after a surgery and that kind of medication to get your metabolism back to normal.
During this time, I guess that I've always had some hope that I could lose the weight and go back to the life I started. I was working with a lot of agencies (here you don't work with just one), and all of them have continued to call me for jobs. I constantly make up excuses that I'm going to be out of town, out of the country, or have another job that day etc., just so that they won't forget about me. I pray no one I know sees me somewhere when I go out, (not that I think they could recognize me.) I'm on a huge time-crunch because I've been away from this for so long already. If I can make big progress over the next three months, I can be ready to work for the summer. If not, I can kiss this dream goodbye...
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